Babydaddy Take 2

So here we go again. I just got off the phone after placing order number two for my babydaddy. I went with the same donor. The one that I had orginially liked only to be disappointed that I couldn't get, and then disappointed again when I found out he was available, is now once again not available. Sheesh! So once again I take that as I am using the choice I'm supposed to even though there obviously weren't any Michael Phelps sperm in that first group. I am hoping there are going to be some bad ass sperm in this second group that are going to get the job done this go round. Only time will tell, right?

Pros of getting pregnant this go round vs. last go round -

1) Fabulous, Fun-Lovin' Gemini baby!
2) I get an awesome birthday present.
3) I won't have to use very much (if any) of my sick days to go birthin' a baby. It'll be summer vacation.
4) I won't be too poochy for the bridesmaid dress that I have to wear in October.
5) I may be able to get away without having to purchase too many ugly fall/winter maternity clothes. I hate fall/winter colors on me when I'm skinny much less when I might be sporting a basketball under my shirt!

Cons -
1) I'm selfish and don't want to share my birthday with my child. I'd rather they be several days apart. (Is that bad? What?! We both need our own day!)
2) No other cons - I'd be getting a baby. I don't think in terms of cons. (Check back with me when they are throwing a tamtrum at 2 though. haha)

Didn't have the silly feeling this go round. Guess the disappointment is still looming large, so that overshawdowed the excitement that I felt the first go round. But, being the believer I am, everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to.

I just pray the way it "is supposed too" is the same as the way "I want it too".

Just so you know...

i'm drunk.

Bottle of wine.

Date with Bud.

Naughty thoughts of men I can't have. Or shouldn't want. And can't have.

Dancin' in my livin' room. Alone.

yeppers. I'm drunk.

Spot Watch '08 has ended!

As I sit here with my 3rd glass of wine in hand I am saddened to say "Spot Watch '08" is officially over...for now. Yes, you read that right. I am drinking wine. Therefore I am not knocked up...

Aunt Flo showed up for the party 3 days late. WHAT A FUCKIN' BITCH!

I woke this morning and had three initial thoughts.

1) Sadness. Mixed with disappointment. Topped with a little pouting.

2) The realization that I had one bottle left of the four I ordered from the winery and that I would be drinking it upon arriving home from my weekend trip. (I am doing that now.)

3) September is my month for Bunko, and I can now drink the margaritas that I had planned on making.

I have come to the realization that Big G was probably just testing me to see if i could actually stay sober during a Kenny concert weekend. I did. Water. For two nights. I am strong. Hear me F-IN roar! Grrrrrrr!!!!

I also think he saved me from years of heartache in having a child that was a Taurus. I couldn't even stay married to a Taurus for a year!!! Imagine me, a True Gemini by all accounts of the word, with a child who is a Taurus. So I will try again...this time for a Gemini. Should it occur it may be like a zoo in my house....a wishy washy zoo at that!!! But as Jill so smartly put....We are Gemini's. We are fabulous. That should be come my mantra.

So for now I will remember with fondness the Grande Cafe Mocha I immediately drank upon sight of the Starbucks next to the Wendy's I was at when I had a tampoon blowout this morning. I will enjoy every sip of the wine I am now drinking. Even mama had a drink with me even though I was thinking in my head as she held her glass, "You better not waste ONE drop of my beloved last bottle of wine." And I will think to the upcoming weekend where I will take up my love affair with my Boyfriend, Bud....Bud Light. Oh my God! You've heard of him? I will think to this upcoming weekend and a cute fella I should not want to kiss, but do, and will try to steal a kiss. Don't go getting any ideas in your head. He can never be my babydaddy. Oh but the pretty, pretty, pretty babies we'd make if he could. Sigh.

(Excuse my ramblings. There is a great possibility that I am drunk right now.)

Then in two weeks I will start the process over. Stay tuned. "Spot Watch '08" may have ended....but it is far from over!!!!

It's official...I'm a freak!

So yeah...I totally didn't hold off on peeing on my one extra stick. Oh no, not me! Instead I went and bought a box of 3 more (who could pass up the bonus extra?!) which allows me to test every day until Thursday if I want to.

And I want to. So I have.

All BFN's (Big Fat Negatives) - that's baby speak by the way.

And to top it all off, last night I DREAMED about peeing on sticks! In my dreams I couldn't stop peeing on my hands. I woke up twice and had to tell myself that "no, that was a dream. I haven't done it yet." (because I start thinking about peeing on a damn stick the minute I F-in wake up)

Yep. I'm a freak!

So to answer the "any signs or symptoms questions" - I had the *funny* feeling last week. I have had a few days of slight crampings, and the last three days I've had backaches. The other night I was out for my daily walk/run, and when I started running I had to stop because my boobs were hurting from the jiggling. It usually doesn't bother me. Last night I went to bed at 8pm which is NOT normal for me being the night owl that I am. So...I'm either pregnant or my period is going to hit full force on Thursday.

It's a 50/50 odds I guess. And I do love to play some Roulette (usually betting red or black) , so I'm thinking positive and putting all my chips on PREGNANT. LOL However, if I don't win I'll do just like I do in Roulette... and play again!

That's just how I roll.

The pull of the pee stick

I caved. And caved too early. I totally wasted a perfectly good stick. I couldn't help myself. I just had to start trying. Of course, it was negative. (So I went back to bed).

I imagine this is how an alcoholic feels wanting a drink. I have to clarify that this is how it "must feel" because contrary to some opinions (cough. mama. cough.) I am NOT an alcoholic.

Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. I will wait til Thursday. I solemnly swear not to go buy a bunch more sticks, just to do it every day ... obviously for the sheer thrill of accidentally peeing on my hand, since I know it's too early to be testing.

Is that a cramp or do I have to poo?

So....Melissa keeps asking, "Do you feel anything?" Of course, as we laugh that she is being silly, I say, "no." But the past few days I *think* I have felt some kind of cramping (and according to my research this is a possibility). However, it may be imaginary or it may be that I just need to go take a poo-poo stinky. It started maybe Wednesday or Thursday, and I thought maybe it was just something I ate. Then it was really bad last night. I went for my daily walk and felt really "funny", almost nauseous. Now again, it could have been my huge dinner that I had eaten earlier. But I carried the wierd stomach thing into the night while I was trying to sleep. Now I can understand that it might be stomach pains due to the cheese stick, burger, fries and brownie thingy I ate. But to feel a little cramping this morning after Frosted Flakes and a banana??? Hmmmmm.......

I have also been periodically pushing on my boobs to see if they are sore. Yes. It's official. I'm a freak. But Mary Ann and Ginger are perfectly perky and fine! Sigh.

And to top it all off I had an internal argument with myself this morning to start peeing on a stick. Thursday is the day I probably should wait for since that or Friday is the day I would start my period. But oh no...I wanna do it now. But I also don't want to see negative every morning when once will suffice. So I'm going to wait.....try to wait.

I just pushed on Ginger again. She's still fine. (probably pissed off I won't stop mashing her but fine nonetheless!)

Feeling a little sappy...

I'm going to be a little corny for a minute, but my heart is overflowing with love for my friends right now. All the people that are being so supportive of my decision to have a baby...all the people that think that a child will be so lucky to have ME as a a Mom . I really want to cry. (And I'm really tearing up right now. Seriously. I'm such a sap in my older age.) Obviously I'm talking about people that it doesn't even cross their minds to ask me, "are you SURE you want to do this?" When in all reality, and probably contrary to my recent post, the positive people really do outweigh the questioning people.

Tonight I went to hang out with some very dear friends and play Bunko. I've been with this Bunko group for several years now - ever since I moved back to WR. Some of the people have changed over the years, but I love these women with all my heart. They range in age from about two years younger than me to my mom's age. Two have known me since I was born. One has been one of my dearest, closest, best friends since we were in junior high. I am only letting a few people in on what I've done. My Bunko girls had known that I was going to go this baby route. We haven't seen each other in two months, and a friend overheard me and Tonya talking tonight. When she heard I told her and then the rest. The whoops of excitement that came forth from two of my friends almost made me bust with happiness!!! It was so awesome. Two or three others continued to show their support and tell me just how happy they were for me throughout the night.

Not one of them even questioned if I was ready. Or if I was sure. Or if I knew what I was going to have to give up. They just think I'm going to be a great mom. And that I deserve this. And for that I want to thank them so much. I don't really know if T, T, D, J, N, and A really know how happy their true excitement for me meant. Alot. It made me feel like I'm not doing anything stupid. Or wrong. Or bad. They didn't treat me with hesitation or concern because I'm not married, not in a relationship.

They treated me just like any other person that is trying to have a baby and who so desperately wants one.

So to all my friends and family who are on my side.... Thank you. The love you have shown me means the world to me. And my child will have the best and coolest Aunts in the world!!!

Time To Think

Do you know why I prefer walking around my neighborhood with nothing but tunes coming from my Ipod than going to the gym? Becuase at the gym I have to have a magazine or book or tv show on or there is no way I can stay on the machine for the 30 to 60 minutes I want to. But walking around my neighborhood I can't read or watch T.V., so all I have time to do during my hour long trek is think. And I like to spend time lost in thought. Lost in thought about things going on past, present, and future. Lost in thought about life in general. So tonight as I walked, I was once again lost in thought about my recent decisions and how they will affect my life.

And as I walked, my mind turned to one event - one event that has always played an important role in my life. And with that thought looming large in my mind I asked myself, "OMG! If I am pregnant what in the hell can I be for Halloween?!"

Seriously. This is major. Thank God I had an hour to think of this. For those of you that know me know that the great ideas, the numero uno Halloween ideas come to me rather quickly - the Kissing Bandit and Kissing Booth in a mere matter of minutes driving down I-95.....the Tootsie Roll Pop driving down Abercorn....my overwhelming desire last year to sport an afro and tube socks. Really....did we ever really think I'd be able to top those?

But once again I dug deep into my Halloween Spirit Reserve and pulled out THE MOST FANTASTIC, AWESOME, VERY HUMOROUS IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF Halloween idea ever....or at least for a pregnant woman. (Acutally I think this one is quite good for a non-pregnant woman too!)

But never fear....should my positive thinking that 8-8-08 was indeed a lucky day for me fail, then I will do as I have done in the past and give my Halloween idea to my very dear and pregnant BFF Melissa!

But...BUT....don't ask what it is. It's a secret, and it's soooo gooooooood! heehee