What To Do?!

So, an opportunity has come up that is too good to pass up. It's actually been out there for my consideration for about 3 months. I don't want to put the details out there yet, so or now I'll just keep them in my head. But it would push the baby thoughts to further in the summer. I just don't know what to do. Part of me says, "This is THE month to try again." The other part of me says, "You can do something you've always wanted to do. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Wait til July or August to start trying for a baby again."

I just don't know. I talked to two friends tonight about it and they said, "Shelby. You can't pass this up." and I know that they are right. But I was all ready to call my doctor tomorrow to tell them that I had started and it was time to get to trying again. Now I'm just confused.

It's just two things I want very much...but I have to pick one for now. And the thing is..the baby thing CAN happen again in a few months. This opportunity can't. Ahhhhhh.

What to do?

Babies On The Brain Again

Well...the desire to try again is back. It was always there but is back in full force. I think I mentioned that my original donor is no longer available, so I had to go searching yet again. For the past few weeks I'd look but nothing. Then yesterday I found the one that I want to use. Very similar to my original (blond, blue eyed, tall, athletic, outgoing) and the cutest little picture of when he must have been about 3ish.

AND THEN, to top it all off, I went to Ebay just with a hunch to look for the baby boy bedding that I had fallen in LOOOOOVE with when all this madness began only to have it be discontinued by the time I started trying. AND THERE IT WAS!!! SOMEONE HAS LISTED IT!!! Can you say an Ebay War is going to be ON LIKE DONKEY KONG in 7 days! :)

Totally a sign, right?!

So. I've been back and forth about if and when to start trying again. Well, not so much the if but definitely the when. I've had a few good trips that have completely lifted my spirits (traveling always does that for me), but sometimes I come down off the high upon returning. Back to reality. Believe me, my reality doesn't suck. But do I truly want to spend the rest of my life just looking forward to the next trip when there are other things I want to look forward to - like being a mom, seeing that first smile, feeling those little arms hug my neck.

For the past week or two (and especially the past several days), I've been spending a lot of time in thought of what to do. And within two days, two faces have crossed my path that have totally surprised me and made me think "totally a sign!" The first was Wednesday night when I was at the David Cook concert. There sitting in the row in front of me, about 3 seats, down was D - my nurse at Dr. C's office that was so awesome in my trying to get pregnant the last time. Totally took me off guard especially since the baby making has so been on my mind. Then last night I was at my part time job and saw a couple come in. I knew I recognized the woman's face, but for the life of me I couldn't place it. Well, I realized this morning who it was! J, the midwife that I was seeing once my pregnancy started.

Isn't that crazy?! Honestly...I think it's about time to start giving it a go!

What Happened...

I started this story a few weeks ago, finished it and then hit the wrong button and lost everything I had typed. DAMN IT! So here I go again...

I went in for my 12 week appointment on December 15. 12 weeks 1 day. I didn't get mama to go this time because I had scheduled it at 4 pm so as not to have to take any time off work. I knew I'd be rushing to get up there, so I didn't want to worry about anyone else having to rush with me. And...I thought all would be well and that someone not going with me wouldn't be a big deal. How wrong was I?!(lesson learned...next time someone goes with me everytime)

I met with the midwife, and she was unable to find the heartbeat on the heart doppler thingy. She assured me not to worry, that sometimes in the early stages it is hard to find. As I think back now I wonder was she just saying that to not freak me out? She pulled in an older ultrasound machine and still had no luck. So she sends me to the high tech ultrasound lady. There was jellybean. There was jellybean's heart. There was no heartbeat. She immediately looked at me and just shook her head. Can I tell you that I was NOT expecting that?

I began to cry. The D&C was scheduled for the next day. I called Mama to let her know what had happened and that I was on my way home. I was supposed to be cooking dinner for my Daddy, so when I got home both my parents were there. That was nice.

I truly don't know how women go through miscarriage after miscarriage. It is so heartbreaking. I worried about lots of things. I had a small cup of coffee a few times that week. Did that do it? I had questioned if I was ready to do this a time
or two. Did those negative thoughts do it? I was upset because from weeks 8 - 11 I was sick and HATED IT. But during that 11th week and up until that appointment I was feeling a little bit better and getting more excited about the baby. And then it was gone.

I went for the D&C and once again humor is the way i deal. As I was lying on the operating table the doctor asked if I had any questions. I waved my hand over my coochwa area and said, "I just need you to take care of the goods. They may not have worked this time, but they have to work next time." The nurses and doctors all had a good laugh. Unlike the last time where I awoke from surgery cussing, this time I woke crying. The nurse was so sweet because she just patted me and wiped my eyes.

Today I would be 23 weeks. There is a girl at work that has a due date that is 2 days after me. It's so weird to think that THAT is what I would look like. I think I'd be bigger though.

Everyone asks when I'm going to do it again. At first, i was like no time soon. I'll wait until summer at the latest. I jumped into planning some trips (becuase travel always makes me happy). I emailed Missy and mentioned that I needed to be in Key West. She jumped on that one with me and four of us went down for New Year's Eve. We had so much fun. I'm going back in 2 weeks and then to Vegas for spring break. I also started working a part time job waitressing where I'm working on extra $ for trips, credit cards and baby making.

I am getting past the fear of the miscarriage and am really ready to try again. I'm *thinking* I want to start in April, so we will see what happens. I want to be a mom and have not given up on wanting that.My babydaddy is no longer available, so I will have to choose a new one. but I will choose one, and I will try again.

Out of the mouths of babes

This morning I was at my brother's house, and my mama and I were sitting in Jersey's room. Jersey will be 3 in a few days. I was playing dollhouse with her. For about 30 seconds we ended up taking a "nap", and she said it was time to get up. I was still laying there when she kinda laid on my stomach. I said, "oof!" She looked at my belly very seriously, and the following conversation happened.

J- "you don't have a baby?"

me - "no. I don't have a baby anymore."

J- "why?"

me - "It went to heaven."

J - "Why?"

me - "Because the baby got very, very,VERY sick."

J - "Oh.... That's so sad."

Yes, it is.

Not much to say at the moment

I went in yesterday afternoon for my 12 week appointment, and it seems jellybean's little heart was no longer beating. It must have happened in the past week since the ultrasound tech said he was at 11 weeks, a few days size. I went in today for a D&C and have spent the day sleeping off the pain meds.

That's all I have for now.

Well, hello Liz Lange!

So the nausea SEEMS to be gettin' better. It is no longer hangin' out all day. It comes in spurts. I'm still not a fan, but what can you do? It seems it's part of the package.

Did I mention I haven't been able to button my pants since the day before T'Giving? Well...not a fan of that either. Now i did go buy one of those belly band thingies. You know, the things that you put over your pants when they no longer button? But tonight I got sick of that. It bugs the ever living shit out of me for some reason.

So I headed to Target and picked up some normal girl pants in a size 12. And ya kinda have to walk through the maternity on the way to the dressing room, so I stopped and browsed.

And there was Liz Lange maternity. I almost giggled. I thought "what the hell?" and picked up two pair of pants and headed to the dressing room. I actually tried on the maternity pants first and OMG! WTF is going on when you can put on a pair of MATERNITY PANTS and they fit and look better than your normal stuff. I mean....that was the easiest shopping I've done in a long time!!! I WAS giggling in the dressing room at the sheer fact I was wearing maternity pants with my tiny pooch (thanks, Jellybean) sticking out. It was humorous.

So I bought a pair of grey cords. They are comfy, and most importantly they button. I can't help it. I want my damn pants to button!!!

So note to friends and family that have me on their Christmas list - Gap and Target gift cards, so Mama can get herself some more comy "oh yes they did button" britches!

On a side note....i told Daddy about jellybean "waving" his arm at us in the sonogram. He totally said that he's getting his throwing arm ready for that baseball!!!

Thank you Jesus..I.AM.HUNGRY.

Exciting news...for the first time in about 2+ weeks I woke up hungry. And stayed hungry throughout the day. THANK YOU JESUS!

So, I know I've been kinda missing. Well...let me get kinda serious for a bit here. For the past two weeks (just before I hit 8 weeks) two feelings hit me.

1)WTF have I done? Seriously...WHAT.THE.FUCK.HAVE.I.DONE?!
2)constant, all day, morning to night....nausea

this feeling hit about 2 days before my first doctor's appointment. And they hit hard. yes. I have been to the doctor twice and haven't even mentioned it. Mama couldn't believe I would talk about kissing my jeans goodbye yet not talk about seeing the jellybean.

Anyways...Reality hit and I confess I did have doubts (and have had) for two weeks now. It comes and goes.

What have I done?
Am I going to be able to do this?
Why did I do this?
I shouldn't have done this.
Should I have done this?
Holy shit! I'm a fuckin' idiot.

All of these thoughts have gone through my head constantly for two weeks. Since this turmoil started building up about the time the nausea hit I blame that. I'll be honest. I don't like feeling like I have a hangover every single day. this sux. I can't stand it. But today....

I WOKE UP HUNGRY AND THAT IS FAN-FUCKIN-TASTIC!!!

And I got hungry several times throughout the day. Awesome!

So let me catch you up to speed on the doctor's appointments, and if you haven't seen the ultrasound picture I'll try and get that posted one of these days. jellybean is just fine. the ultrasound was very neat. Mama went with me and got to see the heartbeat and Jellybean's jump when the doctor held the dildo cam still long enough. The second go round it was even neater (not the 3 hour appointment due to my doctor delivering a baby - that sucked a big one) and we got to see jellybean in 4D. Jellybean also waved at us. I'm totally going to have a friendly child.

So back to the most exciting news. I didn't feel yucky at all today and actually wanted and enjoyed my food. (However, I don't like foods that stay with ya like the onions that I put on my hamburger tonight. Yeah. So could have done without those!)

Anywhoo...I would like to say that it seems (fingers crossed, prayers being said) that Nasty Nausea has left the party. And here's hoping the bitch knows not to come back cuz she's not invited!