Woah! Or is that Third Trimester Woes?

So, I am 28 weeks. Third trimester.

I watch my belly move now.

IT. MOVES.

This makes me laugh hysterically. For two or three nights now, I'll be lying there reading and feel her start dancin'. What else would she be doing? So I lift up my shirt and watch. And there goes my stomach. It's crazy! I love it. I don't know why I had thought earlier that would be so weird. I mean, to an extent, it is. But it just makes me laugh so hard.

I no longer rush wherever I walk. I described myself today as a big lumbering beart just moving from point A to point B. I groan when I sit up. Or roll over. And, oh holy crap, don't let me sit on the floor! Because once I'm down, there is no way in hell I'm coming back up without making a tremendous amount of noise. The "miserable state" is coming on....slowly...but it is coming on. This extra 23 pounds is kicking my ass!

I didn't feel so well today. And no wonder. I think I about killed myself by cutting off my circulation!!! I reached down a few minutes ago to take off my socks and you should see the size of the indentions that those socks left! Seriously...I'm suprised my feet haven't turned purple and fallen the heck off.

Which reminds me of a week or two ago when I looked down and saw these fat sausages where my feet had been only hours earlier. I just stood there staring until H walked out in the hall and I yelled, "Hey. You know my feet. Do they look swollen to you?!" and she said, "I can see 'em from here. Oh yeah."

Fat feet.
I don't want fat feet.

 I'm going to be so pissed if all my rockin' high heels don't fit when this is all said and done. I can't wait to meet Lainey, and I'll deal with 'em if I have to, but does she really need to give me fat feet?! I think not.

I better go have a talk with my belly about this. ;)

Oh so much to say!

It's December, and I've been missing for a month and a half. So this could be long. Nah. This WILL be long. Grab a drink (or two..have one for me) and sit back.

As far as I'm concerned Lainey is still a girl. I have had no further ultrasounds, but if all the hand me downs and recently purchased items that "I just HAD to get " are any indication, Lainey really needs to come out with a vagina. My brother refuses to buy me anything until I have another ultrasound because in his words, "the nuts could be dropping RIGHT NOW."

People have asked me about the name. Well...Pauline is for Mema, of course. I love Lainey because I wanted something different (it is not in the top 100 names of 2010!). I think it sounds beachy. I like that it sounds good with my name. Shelby and Lainey. But I really don't know when or where I found it or started liking it. I started liking it about 2 years ago when I was pregnant the first time. I read a blog online whose author has a daughter named Lainey. And I actually started reading it about 2 years ago. So maybe that is where I really started liking it? but then there is also a Lainey on General Hospital which I have watched for years. So maybe there. who knows? She does already have nicknames...Lainey Lou (my fave) and Lainey Bug.

I'm now at 27 weeks. I visited the doctor today and everything is hunkee-doree. I wonder if they realize that I'm the girl that comes in and you never know what she's going to say. I feel like it should be that way. At my last appointment, after having a HUGE lunch and dressing in heavy shoes, courderoy pants, sweater and shirt, I walked into the nurse area and kinda yelled out, "Can I step on that scale naked?!" I wasn't happy with the results, but i believe the above mentioned dressing stupidity leant to at least 4 not really there pounds! However, today I walked in after not eating anything and dressing as lightly as I could (BTW it's cold as shit!) the midwife declared, "Wow! You only gained one pound over Thanksgiving?!"

I truly think it was those 4 earlier imaginary pounds that really weren't there, but who cares. I'll go with a total of 23 pounds gained. I just don't want to gain much more. 35 sounds like a really nice, healthy number. At school i had a donut and my friend, A, said, "oh eat 2 or 3! Enjoy it while you can!" I quickly replied,  "hell no because when this kid comes I have no desire to try and lose those 2 or 3 donuts!"

On a funny note, my brother calls me "fat girl" and "chunky monkey." Yeah. And only HE can get away with that! Noone else better try it!

Today I had to drink that syrupy crap to test for gestational diabetes. The younger girl next to me was having a hard time with it. Not that it was the best stuff in the world but I said outloud to the nurses, "I'm just going to pretend I'm at the bar and do it like a shot." And there you go. After a bit they checked to make sure I wasn't feeling icky and I said matter of factly, "Listen...I had bar mentality! I've had WAAAAAY worse at some bars I've gone too." ha!

I have had so many people give me some of the cutest hand me downs! My spare room is filling up so fast! I've started my registries, just doing a little at a time. And I've already been sent one of my big presents off of it. I came home to find the pack and play I registered for on my door step. It was from C & D in West Palm Beach. How sweet! I called them immediately to thank them and she replied, "We had to get that as your present. So now no excuses. She's got somewhere to sleep when you take a trip to South Florida." Which is totally funny becasue when I put it on list I envisioned Lainey sleeping in it at the beach house or down in Key West. I love that they were the ones that got that for me. Totally fitting!

Oh...Cougarville? yeah. I've taken a trip there. Seems a 20 week pregnant belly was not a hamper. What sucked...it wasn't as wonderful as the past. But hey....I was worried about 3 things...cramping, bleeding, or farting. None of them happened...but the fear still put a damper in it. Plus someone had had to much beer if you ask me. And I ain't drinkin'!

Halloween....HILARIOUS! I went to two parties. For one I was #12 (one of Tiger Woods mistresses.) I carried around a pay off check and a People magazine I had doctored with my picture and "the story". Amusing. Then I had even more fun as a pregnant white trash redneck. I drank water out of my 24 oz budweiser can and had a marborol hanging out of my mouth the whole night.

Lainey's bedding came in today. I am NOT going with an animal theme (as damn cute as they are). It's the colors I love...pink, yellow, orange sherbert....and the polka dots and stripes. i'm going to use white stripes and the walls are going to be a lighter shade of the bedding. I've been jumping all over my house because I love it so much!

So, I'm doing a lot more huffing and puffing, moaning and groaning. When I try to get off the couch. Or out of the car. Or sit up. I think everything is hilariously funny. Even more so than normal. When I start laughing, I can't stop. Which doesn't help with the peeing in your pants thing. But what can you do? Other than cross your legs and bend over. I'm hoping all the laughing is going right into Lainey's spirit and she is going to come out laughing too!

and that's it. At least for now.

Houston....We have a vagina!

So, I didn't realize I hadn't gotten on here to share the news. It's a girl. Now if this baby is born with a penis I'll be a little upset. Before I was fine with boy or girl. but now I've been told girl. I already have HER room imagined in my head. I have already pulled out HER clothes in my "oh that is cute and on sale, I can't pass it up" plastic bin I have been collecting during frequent baby phases the last two or three years. I have already started talking to HER. And tonight i believe I felt HER movement! (though I'm a little worried because she made her presence known while I was watching "Rock of Love Girls: Now"!) And I have given HER a name.

Lainey Pauline...

Pauline after Mema. And Lainey just because I have loved it for several years now. She has already got nicknames too. Lainey Bug. Lainey Lou.

I am so excited to meet her. You should see her little toes in the ultrasound picture. And here are some of the things that were said during the ultrasound and later while viewing the US pix...

"boy...It looks like she is talking up a storm"
"I think she is snapping her fingers."
"She must be singing!"
"Umm...Shelby...can you say Jersey Shore? It totally looks like she is fist pumping!"

That's my girl!

It's October 11!!!

I am 19 weeks today. My appointment is at 4 this afternoon. Hopefully, I will find out if it is a boy or a girl. this whole time I have felt like it's a girl. Now, I really don't care either way. All I want is a healthy baby, and I do mean that. I love baby boys AND baby girls. But I'm feeling it's a girl. Mama thinks (or wants) girl. M thinks (or wants) girl. Gay J wants to be an Aunt to a girl. I also had my 3rd or 4th girl dream the other night. I kinda think that now if they say boy I might be a tad disappointed. Oh, I won't cry or anything, but just a teensy weensy disappointed.

T and C are calling boy. At least, C is. Z just sent me a text calling boy. So this is going to be really fun to find out.

Pink or blue?! Blue or pink?

Scarin' the Boy Toy

So, I feel like I have mentioned the fact that I visited "CougarVille" about a year ago. Maybe I didn't. But in order to tell this story, I have to let you know. I visited Cougarville. In August '09. And I've visited several times since then. What can I say? Ain't no shame in my game.

On with the story....so I'm 37. He's 22. Shut up! He's older...than when we started back when he was, oh, 21. LOL This past spring he got a girlfriend, and our visits ended. Oh how I missed those trips, but the memories were great.

And, lo and behold, about 3 weeks ago I started getting texts that let me know THIS FABULOUS 37 YEAR OLD was on his mind something fierce. (and the girlfriend is still in the picture) Now, he didn't know I was pregnant and at the time I felt like I could get away with a bloated stomache. However, the first night he called I felt like shit and my legs weren't shaved. And I had no energy to get up at 1 in the morning and shave 'em. A week later another text. Well, I shaved those legs and we made a "date". But about 30 minutes before that, I started feeling a little crappy, I was crying about all the 9-11 stuff I was watching on the history channel, and I was having a concience about his girlfriend - a girl who looks very sweet and has never done anything to me. So I made up some lie and got out of it.

well, this past weekend I told my friend GayJ who is also a mutal friend with Hottie BoomBottie. We thought it would be funny to finally let the cat out of the bag, so GayJ sends a message.

GayJ- "Holy shit! did you know? I just found out S is pregnant!"
HBB- (within a minute buy the way, when it usually takes 30 or more) "ARe you serious? Who's the Daddy?"
GayJ - "YOU!"
HBB- "SHUT UP!"

I bet we made the poor thing shit in his pants!!!! GayJ cleared the joke up and I texted with him later. All is good. But I knew the minute he heard that I was 4 or 5 months pregnant, he would freak and then do a quick count of the last Cougarville visit. he was safe by a month!!!! LOL

And do I even have to tell you people that have been pregnant before how freakin' horny I am!!!! I'm still trying to figure if I can get away with the "just bloated" look. Guess I'll just have to wait until next summer to take my next vacation to Cougarville. That's just sad.

Really?!

There are just some things happening to me that make me go....really? Seriously? Double. You. Tee. Eff.

 Here are just some random things about pregnancy I just love. (Sarcasm intended, folks.)

Gagging....
I can be walking through my house, and out of the blue,  I just gag. It is quite annoying. But, thank God, it's just that and NOT puking. I couldn't handle both.

Peeing...
my ass and the toilet seat should be BFF's by now, as much as I go to the bathroom. I'm so over the peeing.

My nipples....
Seriously. They crack me up. I literally laugh when I get a glimpse of them. I just wish I had someone to show them to. I mean, I could show them to Charlie, but he's blind. And he's a dog. So even if he wasn't blind, he wouldn't find the humor in these crazy ass things! If I had a fella, I would so be that chick that walks into the room or yells from the bathroom, "Baby, check these things OUT!" But I can't. Damn it.

Someone that is not elevated to "close friend" status but "acquaintance" status touching my belly...
WTF?! Really, did you just do that dude? Yes, this was a man! Did you seriously just effin' touch my stomach? While I find you very nice, we are not close enough for you to freakin' do that!

Creepy old(er) men....Okay, so this has nothing to do with being pregnant. I'm just over them. don't grab me. don't hug me. Don't try to flirt with me. And seriously DO NOT comment on my tee shirt which says "bite me" and say, "I told you about wearing that naughty shirt. I oughta take you out back and spank you." Seriously....okay, we'll go out back, and I will go ghetto on your ass and whoop the shit out of you, you effin' creep. I get riled up just thinking about it!

Maternity pants....
I love 'em!!! And the sarcasm has been dropped. I....LOVE...THEM...first of all, my favorite things to live in are comfy shorts with their elastic waistband. I mean, I live in my purple PINK shorts, so why wouldn't I love comfy maternity pants. They are fabulous. Just fabulous. I heart you elastic waistband.

Tomorrow is the end of my days at the part time job. I've been dreading going in the past two or three weekends, but I suck it up becasue I love the extra money. But last Sunday, I was so put out by any request no matter how trivial that I was in permanent "F*ck You" state of mine. The little grandma that asked me for a straw....sure, I"ll get you a straw. F*ck you." Yeah, it's time to go.

I'm a Poser.

Today I was informed I really should get on the waiting lists at any daycares I might be interested in. Well, there are 2 I have in mind. So I went. And talked to the people in charge. And saw the baby rooms. And got the details on prices and the such.

And I felt like a complete dumbass the whole time. Seriously. A dumbass.

The whole idea of me there with my silly little maternity shirt and pants on asking about these things was just so foreign to me that all I could think was, "They probably think I'm a dumbass." I really did have the thought that the lady at the first place thought I was probably just playing a practical joke on her.

I know in the coming months I'm going to feel this way many times. But it was weird. Just. Plain. Weird.

I heart Chic-fil-A.

I have been M.I.A. I know. But here I am again. I'll give you the rundown as I know it.

For about 6 weeks I was absolutely fucking miserable. there is no other way to put it. FUCKING MISERABLE. There is no sugar coating it. I know it could have been worse. I never threw up. But from 11 in the morning til 11 at night, I felt like it For 5 to 6 weeks. The whole time. And it got worse as the day went on. I was so miserable I went days without checking email. (GASP!) Days without facebook. (HORRORS!) I didn't want to talk to anyone. All I wanted to do was exist from 8 to 4 and then immediatly come home and lay on my couch until I could slip into a sleep like existence, where for a few short hours I may have felt bad but I didn't know.

And on top of that, it seems that being pregnant and miserable sent me into somewhat of a depression. I had morbid thoughts. I went to two appointments, both times expecting them to tell me that I wasn't pregnant and that I was going to have another D&C. I had such morbid depressed thoughts that I won't even utter out loud those thoughts. Not to anyone. let's just leave it at they were bad.

once around 10 weeks I KNEW I had had a miscarriage, and there was no way that I was going to hold out 12 weeks with a dead baby in me.(some of those negative thoughts I was carrying around) So I called the doctor with a lie. I was bleeding. I wasn't. That was the lie. But I knew when I added that the baby was measuring small and that I had a previous miscarriage that they would give me an ultrasound. Sure enough they did....and the baby was fine.

And then after 5 weeks of an utter miserable exsistence, seasonal allergies hit. You know....when our summer (100 degrees) turns to fall (90 degrees)...And I couldn't take my prescription meds. I had to try Claritin. IT SUCKS. I had to try Benadryl. IT SUCKS. On to Zyrtec and wondering what i was going to do if that fucking didn't work!And after a week I broke down and finally let someone in on a little bit of how I was feeling and M got to be my therapist. Thank God for friends that just let you cry.

If I was asked one more time, "Are you excited?" I thought I might fucking scream. I was too sick to feel excited. I was too scared to feel excited. "NO." is all I replied. Because I couldn't explain my thoughts and feelings in my head without someone committing me. NO.NO.NO.NO.NO. I'm not excited. I'm adopting next time.

And that's how I felt until my 16 week appointment last week. The allergies had subsided. (Yeah Zyrtec!) But  I went in with the same dread that there would be no heartbeat. And there was one. And I came away from that appointment feeling different. Oh, I'm still scared. But no longer feeling miserable. It's real. And I've been able to start walking again (oh, how I missed excercising...I could do nothing but lay on the couch), and i started catching up at work....And I've just been a different person this week than I have been for the last 6.

And on October 11th I find out if it's a boy or girl!!!! Mama is already calling girl. Noone else has made any predictions. I'm thinking girl. But we'll see.

As for the mundane things. I have had no real aversions to any foods. If I'm "craving" anything it is fruit (strawberries and plums are a definite favorite), italian ice and popsicles, pickles (it's a must I keep a jar in my frig at all times) and most recently Chic-Fil-A. I have had this last one two nights in a row, and I could honestly eat another right now. I have gained 11 pounds. some days I'm pooched out. Some days not so much. I wear maternity pants because I don't like the rubber band trick or the belly band thing. I'm all for comfort. And they are comfortable. I have begun telling more and more people. I'm trying to tell the people I want to tell, and then the rest can just hear it from gossip. ha!

Caffiene. I know I should give it up cold turkey. But I can't. I have had daily caffiene since junior high. I have cut back to 1/2 caf coffee and only a cup to a cup and a half. And some days I have a coke. I drank one tonight and you would have thought it came straight from heaven. (that's another craving). And if the other day is any indication...where I went without and a headache turned into a migrane taht ended with me puking...well, I won't be giving up my caffiene.

I have had a mimosa. Sue me. One of my miserable nights of existence where I knew everything was wrong and the world just sucked, I went to the grocery store and bought one of those little four packs of champagne. We all know in a non-pregnant state, I drink the whole bottle. Well, I got home pulled one out and stuck it in the freezer. I left it in a wee bit long and it got slushy. I mixed it with some OJ and voila! I sipped that Mimosa like the world would end when it did. It may have been the best damn mimosa I have ever had! Then I pushed the other 3 to the back of the cabinet where they wait warm and univiting until any special occasions arise. Like Columbus Day. Or Halloween.

So....that's just a little update from me. Sorry I've been missing. I'll try to do better now that I"m feeling better.