Are We A Family?

"Are we a family?"

That was the question posed to me a few nights ago in the car on the way home from some activity or another.

"Of course, we are,"  I had replied back to her as I wondered, "Oh boy...which road is this going to go down?"

"But we don't have a daddy, so we can't be a family."

OOF. Imaginary double punch in the gut is what it felt like. Exactly the road I was fearing. She's four after all. And smart. It's coming.

We have gone down this road only once before. It was probably a year  or year and a half ago when one night, as I was tucking her into bed, she said, "I want a daddy." As tears slowly welled up in my eyes, I could only say, "You do? I want you to have one too. I guess we'll have to add that to our prayers." A few more mentions in the two or three weeks after that (and Daddy prayers most nights) , and the topic never surfaced again in regards to our little twosome. Threesome if you count my stupid dog, Huck. But he's a story for another day.

So.

After the whole hullabaloo  about families are made up of all kinds of people...one mommy, two mommies, no mommy...she seemed to accept that. The next question was about the juice she was drinking or a lollipop she wanted or her ballet. Something like that. Something that didn't make  my heart hurt. For her. For me. For us.

And my eyes were on the road. Not the one that I was currently driving on. But the one ahead of me. With every conceivable twist and turn that I may or may not see coming. The one with questions. And follow up questions. And whys. The one that my answers may be good enough. Or not. The one that may be fine. For awhile. The one with smooth sailing. Or bumps.

I knew she wouldn't be a baby forever. She would become beautiful. And funny. And smart.

And curious.

And ask questions.

Questions that will hurt for me to answer because I want to give her everything. EVERYTHING. And this topic....DADDY...is one I can't control. Or give her with the snap of my fingers. Because I would if I could.

So my seatbelt is on. I'm ready. I can only pray that my answers satisfy her. That her longing and wishes and wants don't overshadow the undying love I have for her in every single fiber of my body.

Yes, baby girl. We are a family. I promise.

Lonely Saturday Nights

I didn't fall off the earth. I'm still here. Lainey is still here. She is TWO. A funny, beautiful, red headed two year old. I thank my lucky stars for her every day. She makes me laugh on a daily basis. this morning she was trying to throw a leg over her crib. Thank goodness she's a shorty. (Regardless, I put in a call to my brother to help me turn the crib into a bed sometime this week.) I tell myself that there is a reason I have stayed single so long. A reason that I ended up going down this path of having a baby this way. She's it. That face says it all. That face is worth every minute I've been bummed becasue of my singledom. Every minute of every time I sat there wondering (and whining), "Where IS he?" I can't imagine my life without her. Don't want to. Ever.

But now she's here. And not only do I want someone for me... I want someone for her. I want her to have a Daddy. I want it so much it hurts.

The bestie and I were sitting in the backyard the day after her 2nd birthday party watching her husband run around with their son. Lainey yelled out to them. Twice.

I casually looked at M and said, "Did she just say Daddy?"
"Yep."

Well, shit. (It broke my heart.)

Then we were out strolling around the neighborhood when Lainey saw a guy get out of his car. "Daddy!" she yelled. (again. I wanted to cry for her.)

I pray every single night that I'll finally meet him. That he'll meet us and realize right away that the two of us are the most amazing things he's ever met. (I mean...we are, for pete's sake!) I want a husband. It gets lonely. And I want my girl to have a Daddy. To know that feeling. To know that bond. I know it'll be a different bond...but a bond nonetheless.

I hope we find him.

Monday Morning Musings

10 months ago I had a morning ritual. The alarm would go off about 6, and the only thought I could have, the only word I could utter was FUCK. I even said it outloud with quite the mean, pissed off voice. What can I say. I like to sleep. And I don't like to go to work.

And it has been this way for years.

Fast forward to the present. My "alarm" goes off at 5ish. I feed her, excercise for 30 minutes, make my bed, take a shower (and I even shaved my legs this morning, though the hair didn't get washed and was put in my normal pony tail so don't be too impressed), put on makeup and clothes that aren't pajama-esque, put on a load of clothes, made breakfast, and turned on the dishwasher....all within 2 hours.

AND I DIDN'T UTTER THE WORD FUCK ONCE!

Woohoo. Color me mature...ing. ;)

Love a snuggle.

All I can say is I love when Lainey is all balled up and lying on my chest. She has her little hands clasped (hands clasped is her sign that life is good.) and she just lies there without a peep. That is the best. I could just sit there forever like that. And I k now that there are things to do. Dishes to put up. Bottles to get ready. Thank goodness my Mama is still coming by to help me.  Because I usually keep on lying there. Who cares about the dishes? Lainey and I don't.

On a funnier note...yesterday while we were sitting there and she was all propped up on my knees and we were doing our daily stare down....she sneezed, farted, and pooped all at once. It took me a few minutes to go change her because I sat there laughing so freakin' loud for a bit. She was obviously cool with me laughing about it since she just sat there bug eyed. Probably wondering what had just happened!

And a cry summons me....Nap time is over!

My girl is here!!!

It's been so long since I've written. And I don't know why. There was so many funny things that happend in those last 10 weeks. The best being that Lainey arrived on her due date on March 7th. the whole experience was incredible (and incredibly easy...so lucky) and I have to have the MOST beautiful baby girl ever.

I will try and write more later...but check out this little package of wonderful that has taken up residence in my house!!!

ONLY 10 WEEKS TO GO!

I am 30 weeks today, and I just.can't.believe.it.

March will be here before I know it! And my girl doesn't even have a room yet. Well, she has a room. BUT IT IS STILL MY JUNKY OFFICE!

Two nights ago the "nesting" kicked in. It just seems my back porch renovation isn't moving as quickly as 10 weeks is likely to happen. Yesterday I woke up with the goal in mind - Start boxing up the office junk. Which it isn't junk to me, but since it is organized in no form or fashion i will call it junk. And, for the most part, it got boxed up. Actually some of it got moved to the spare room, so now the "Scarlett Room" (aka guest room, Jill's room, Melissa's room, etc.) is becoming the junk room. But that's okay!

Today.... among other activities that I won't talk about for long other than saying I had to go buy an effing new dishwasher AND refrigerator which was not what I wanted to be buying and it just pissed me off and I don't like to think about it too hard because I'll cry so I just did it and moved on....I stopped in Lowes and picked up paint samples for Lainey's room. And is it only fitting that "mimosa" is one of the colors I am considering?! So, now I sit here amidst cards with colors like Candy Hearts, Funshine, Dreamsickle, Creamsickle, Mimosa, Bunny's Nose, Sunbathed, Bleached Blonde, Sunny Delight....and I have to choose 3 of those colors for the "look" I'm going for. This is going to be tough!

In the midst of this I point out to J and D that Lainey will be here March 7th. And realized that March 8th is Fat Tuesday. AND HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?! If you know me, you get it! so I have decided to ask Lainey every day not to come until the 8th just to humor Mommy.

On to Target to grab the gun and go ballistic finishing up my registry (which I started online). Of course, the minute I got the gun in my hand, the frickin' fridge guy called and said he was on the way to my house! Damn it!!!! Two hours later I returned to Target and proceeded to get gun happy. Now my registries ( BRU & Target) are about 95% done. I've got to look over them and see what I"m missing or what is completely random that needs to be deleted. But it got to feeling like I was shooting random stuff!!!

Productive day. And I'm exhausted.

Next up. Choose the 3 paint colors I want. Get rid of the pink recliner in the junk room. Start moving stuff out of there. PAINT. THE. WALLS. I don't care if everything is still in there and has to be moved to the middle of the room. I want paint on the walls.

10 weeks to go. My girl needs a room! And a fabulous room to boot.

Woah! Or is that Third Trimester Woes?

So, I am 28 weeks. Third trimester.

I watch my belly move now.

IT. MOVES.

This makes me laugh hysterically. For two or three nights now, I'll be lying there reading and feel her start dancin'. What else would she be doing? So I lift up my shirt and watch. And there goes my stomach. It's crazy! I love it. I don't know why I had thought earlier that would be so weird. I mean, to an extent, it is. But it just makes me laugh so hard.

I no longer rush wherever I walk. I described myself today as a big lumbering beart just moving from point A to point B. I groan when I sit up. Or roll over. And, oh holy crap, don't let me sit on the floor! Because once I'm down, there is no way in hell I'm coming back up without making a tremendous amount of noise. The "miserable state" is coming on....slowly...but it is coming on. This extra 23 pounds is kicking my ass!

I didn't feel so well today. And no wonder. I think I about killed myself by cutting off my circulation!!! I reached down a few minutes ago to take off my socks and you should see the size of the indentions that those socks left! Seriously...I'm suprised my feet haven't turned purple and fallen the heck off.

Which reminds me of a week or two ago when I looked down and saw these fat sausages where my feet had been only hours earlier. I just stood there staring until H walked out in the hall and I yelled, "Hey. You know my feet. Do they look swollen to you?!" and she said, "I can see 'em from here. Oh yeah."

Fat feet.
I don't want fat feet.

 I'm going to be so pissed if all my rockin' high heels don't fit when this is all said and done. I can't wait to meet Lainey, and I'll deal with 'em if I have to, but does she really need to give me fat feet?! I think not.

I better go have a talk with my belly about this. ;)

Oh so much to say!

It's December, and I've been missing for a month and a half. So this could be long. Nah. This WILL be long. Grab a drink (or two..have one for me) and sit back.

As far as I'm concerned Lainey is still a girl. I have had no further ultrasounds, but if all the hand me downs and recently purchased items that "I just HAD to get " are any indication, Lainey really needs to come out with a vagina. My brother refuses to buy me anything until I have another ultrasound because in his words, "the nuts could be dropping RIGHT NOW."

People have asked me about the name. Well...Pauline is for Mema, of course. I love Lainey because I wanted something different (it is not in the top 100 names of 2010!). I think it sounds beachy. I like that it sounds good with my name. Shelby and Lainey. But I really don't know when or where I found it or started liking it. I started liking it about 2 years ago when I was pregnant the first time. I read a blog online whose author has a daughter named Lainey. And I actually started reading it about 2 years ago. So maybe that is where I really started liking it? but then there is also a Lainey on General Hospital which I have watched for years. So maybe there. who knows? She does already have nicknames...Lainey Lou (my fave) and Lainey Bug.

I'm now at 27 weeks. I visited the doctor today and everything is hunkee-doree. I wonder if they realize that I'm the girl that comes in and you never know what she's going to say. I feel like it should be that way. At my last appointment, after having a HUGE lunch and dressing in heavy shoes, courderoy pants, sweater and shirt, I walked into the nurse area and kinda yelled out, "Can I step on that scale naked?!" I wasn't happy with the results, but i believe the above mentioned dressing stupidity leant to at least 4 not really there pounds! However, today I walked in after not eating anything and dressing as lightly as I could (BTW it's cold as shit!) the midwife declared, "Wow! You only gained one pound over Thanksgiving?!"

I truly think it was those 4 earlier imaginary pounds that really weren't there, but who cares. I'll go with a total of 23 pounds gained. I just don't want to gain much more. 35 sounds like a really nice, healthy number. At school i had a donut and my friend, A, said, "oh eat 2 or 3! Enjoy it while you can!" I quickly replied,  "hell no because when this kid comes I have no desire to try and lose those 2 or 3 donuts!"

On a funny note, my brother calls me "fat girl" and "chunky monkey." Yeah. And only HE can get away with that! Noone else better try it!

Today I had to drink that syrupy crap to test for gestational diabetes. The younger girl next to me was having a hard time with it. Not that it was the best stuff in the world but I said outloud to the nurses, "I'm just going to pretend I'm at the bar and do it like a shot." And there you go. After a bit they checked to make sure I wasn't feeling icky and I said matter of factly, "Listen...I had bar mentality! I've had WAAAAAY worse at some bars I've gone too." ha!

I have had so many people give me some of the cutest hand me downs! My spare room is filling up so fast! I've started my registries, just doing a little at a time. And I've already been sent one of my big presents off of it. I came home to find the pack and play I registered for on my door step. It was from C & D in West Palm Beach. How sweet! I called them immediately to thank them and she replied, "We had to get that as your present. So now no excuses. She's got somewhere to sleep when you take a trip to South Florida." Which is totally funny becasue when I put it on list I envisioned Lainey sleeping in it at the beach house or down in Key West. I love that they were the ones that got that for me. Totally fitting!

Oh...Cougarville? yeah. I've taken a trip there. Seems a 20 week pregnant belly was not a hamper. What sucked...it wasn't as wonderful as the past. But hey....I was worried about 3 things...cramping, bleeding, or farting. None of them happened...but the fear still put a damper in it. Plus someone had had to much beer if you ask me. And I ain't drinkin'!

Halloween....HILARIOUS! I went to two parties. For one I was #12 (one of Tiger Woods mistresses.) I carried around a pay off check and a People magazine I had doctored with my picture and "the story". Amusing. Then I had even more fun as a pregnant white trash redneck. I drank water out of my 24 oz budweiser can and had a marborol hanging out of my mouth the whole night.

Lainey's bedding came in today. I am NOT going with an animal theme (as damn cute as they are). It's the colors I love...pink, yellow, orange sherbert....and the polka dots and stripes. i'm going to use white stripes and the walls are going to be a lighter shade of the bedding. I've been jumping all over my house because I love it so much!

So, I'm doing a lot more huffing and puffing, moaning and groaning. When I try to get off the couch. Or out of the car. Or sit up. I think everything is hilariously funny. Even more so than normal. When I start laughing, I can't stop. Which doesn't help with the peeing in your pants thing. But what can you do? Other than cross your legs and bend over. I'm hoping all the laughing is going right into Lainey's spirit and she is going to come out laughing too!

and that's it. At least for now.