I started this story a few weeks ago, finished it and then hit the wrong button and lost everything I had typed. DAMN IT! So here I go again...
I went in for my 12 week appointment on December 15. 12 weeks 1 day. I didn't get mama to go this time because I had scheduled it at 4 pm so as not to have to take any time off work. I knew I'd be rushing to get up there, so I didn't want to worry about anyone else having to rush with me. And...I thought all would be well and that someone not going with me wouldn't be a big deal. How wrong was I?!(lesson learned...next time someone goes with me everytime)
I met with the midwife, and she was unable to find the heartbeat on the heart doppler thingy. She assured me not to worry, that sometimes in the early stages it is hard to find. As I think back now I wonder was she just saying that to not freak me out? She pulled in an older ultrasound machine and still had no luck. So she sends me to the high tech ultrasound lady. There was jellybean. There was jellybean's heart. There was no heartbeat. She immediately looked at me and just shook her head. Can I tell you that I was NOT expecting that?
I began to cry. The D&C was scheduled for the next day. I called Mama to let her know what had happened and that I was on my way home. I was supposed to be cooking dinner for my Daddy, so when I got home both my parents were there. That was nice.
I truly don't know how women go through miscarriage after miscarriage. It is so heartbreaking. I worried about lots of things. I had a small cup of coffee a few times that week. Did that do it? I had questioned if I was ready to do this a time
or two. Did those negative thoughts do it? I was upset because from weeks 8 - 11 I was sick and HATED IT. But during that 11th week and up until that appointment I was feeling a little bit better and getting more excited about the baby. And then it was gone.
I went for the D&C and once again humor is the way i deal. As I was lying on the operating table the doctor asked if I had any questions. I waved my hand over my coochwa area and said, "I just need you to take care of the goods. They may not have worked this time, but they have to work next time." The nurses and doctors all had a good laugh. Unlike the last time where I awoke from surgery cussing, this time I woke crying. The nurse was so sweet because she just patted me and wiped my eyes.
Today I would be 23 weeks. There is a girl at work that has a due date that is 2 days after me. It's so weird to think that THAT is what I would look like. I think I'd be bigger though.
Everyone asks when I'm going to do it again. At first, i was like no time soon. I'll wait until summer at the latest. I jumped into planning some trips (becuase travel always makes me happy). I emailed Missy and mentioned that I needed to be in Key West. She jumped on that one with me and four of us went down for New Year's Eve. We had so much fun. I'm going back in 2 weeks and then to Vegas for spring break. I also started working a part time job waitressing where I'm working on extra $ for trips, credit cards and baby making.
I am getting past the fear of the miscarriage and am really ready to try again. I'm *thinking* I want to start in April, so we will see what happens. I want to be a mom and have not given up on wanting that.My babydaddy is no longer available, so I will have to choose a new one. but I will choose one, and I will try again.
