Out of the mouths of babes

This morning I was at my brother's house, and my mama and I were sitting in Jersey's room. Jersey will be 3 in a few days. I was playing dollhouse with her. For about 30 seconds we ended up taking a "nap", and she said it was time to get up. I was still laying there when she kinda laid on my stomach. I said, "oof!" She looked at my belly very seriously, and the following conversation happened.

J- "you don't have a baby?"

me - "no. I don't have a baby anymore."

J- "why?"

me - "It went to heaven."

J - "Why?"

me - "Because the baby got very, very,VERY sick."

J - "Oh.... That's so sad."

Yes, it is.

Not much to say at the moment

I went in yesterday afternoon for my 12 week appointment, and it seems jellybean's little heart was no longer beating. It must have happened in the past week since the ultrasound tech said he was at 11 weeks, a few days size. I went in today for a D&C and have spent the day sleeping off the pain meds.

That's all I have for now.

Well, hello Liz Lange!

So the nausea SEEMS to be gettin' better. It is no longer hangin' out all day. It comes in spurts. I'm still not a fan, but what can you do? It seems it's part of the package.

Did I mention I haven't been able to button my pants since the day before T'Giving? Well...not a fan of that either. Now i did go buy one of those belly band thingies. You know, the things that you put over your pants when they no longer button? But tonight I got sick of that. It bugs the ever living shit out of me for some reason.

So I headed to Target and picked up some normal girl pants in a size 12. And ya kinda have to walk through the maternity on the way to the dressing room, so I stopped and browsed.

And there was Liz Lange maternity. I almost giggled. I thought "what the hell?" and picked up two pair of pants and headed to the dressing room. I actually tried on the maternity pants first and OMG! WTF is going on when you can put on a pair of MATERNITY PANTS and they fit and look better than your normal stuff. I mean....that was the easiest shopping I've done in a long time!!! I WAS giggling in the dressing room at the sheer fact I was wearing maternity pants with my tiny pooch (thanks, Jellybean) sticking out. It was humorous.

So I bought a pair of grey cords. They are comfy, and most importantly they button. I can't help it. I want my damn pants to button!!!

So note to friends and family that have me on their Christmas list - Gap and Target gift cards, so Mama can get herself some more comy "oh yes they did button" britches!

On a side note....i told Daddy about jellybean "waving" his arm at us in the sonogram. He totally said that he's getting his throwing arm ready for that baseball!!!

Thank you Jesus..I.AM.HUNGRY.

Exciting news...for the first time in about 2+ weeks I woke up hungry. And stayed hungry throughout the day. THANK YOU JESUS!

So, I know I've been kinda missing. Well...let me get kinda serious for a bit here. For the past two weeks (just before I hit 8 weeks) two feelings hit me.

1)WTF have I done? Seriously...WHAT.THE.FUCK.HAVE.I.DONE?!
2)constant, all day, morning to night....nausea

this feeling hit about 2 days before my first doctor's appointment. And they hit hard. yes. I have been to the doctor twice and haven't even mentioned it. Mama couldn't believe I would talk about kissing my jeans goodbye yet not talk about seeing the jellybean.

Anyways...Reality hit and I confess I did have doubts (and have had) for two weeks now. It comes and goes.

What have I done?
Am I going to be able to do this?
Why did I do this?
I shouldn't have done this.
Should I have done this?
Holy shit! I'm a fuckin' idiot.

All of these thoughts have gone through my head constantly for two weeks. Since this turmoil started building up about the time the nausea hit I blame that. I'll be honest. I don't like feeling like I have a hangover every single day. this sux. I can't stand it. But today....

I WOKE UP HUNGRY AND THAT IS FAN-FUCKIN-TASTIC!!!

And I got hungry several times throughout the day. Awesome!

So let me catch you up to speed on the doctor's appointments, and if you haven't seen the ultrasound picture I'll try and get that posted one of these days. jellybean is just fine. the ultrasound was very neat. Mama went with me and got to see the heartbeat and Jellybean's jump when the doctor held the dildo cam still long enough. The second go round it was even neater (not the 3 hour appointment due to my doctor delivering a baby - that sucked a big one) and we got to see jellybean in 4D. Jellybean also waved at us. I'm totally going to have a friendly child.

So back to the most exciting news. I didn't feel yucky at all today and actually wanted and enjoyed my food. (However, I don't like foods that stay with ya like the onions that I put on my hamburger tonight. Yeah. So could have done without those!)

Anywhoo...I would like to say that it seems (fingers crossed, prayers being said) that Nasty Nausea has left the party. And here's hoping the bitch knows not to come back cuz she's not invited!

Lessons Learned

In the course of one day, I have learned three things pregnant women should not attempt..

1) Pregnant women should never go shopping...for clothes.
(It ain't pretty. Especially when you are in the "Noone knows I'm pregnant even though I can't button my pants or shirts" phase!)

2) Pregnant women should never watch "Extreme Makeover - Home Edition.
(and if you do watch be prepared for the waterworks - God Bless that fireman daddy and his five kids!)

3) No matter how hard you try - sucking in your stomach no longer works!
(Believe me...I've tried.)

Saying goodbye is so hard

Tonight I had to say good bye to something I hold dear to my heart. That has been a part of my life for the past five years. I held them in my hands. Caressed my cheek with them. And then, as I placed them back in their spot in the closet, I kissed the pocket and whispered, "You've been a good pair of jeans."

Then I broke into a shitload of giggles. OMG! I can no longer where my Seven For All Mankind jeans!!! I own two pair. Now I know some of you reading this may not be "jean lovers" nor the type of person who will spend $150+ on a pair of jeans.

But I am. I will. I have.

And I have worn those jeans religiously for 3 - 5 years. 5 YEARS, PEOPLE!!! When I pack for a trip, they ALWAYS go in there. These are my tried and true "going out" jeans. I wear them in the winter with a sweater. I wear them in the summer with a great booby top. With my high heeled boots. And my sky high heels.

So imagine the fear pulsing through my body as I pulled them from my closet to try them on. Oh yeah. I'm not a dumbass. I knew they might not fit. Probably wouldn't. But they are my going out jeans! And I'm going to NYC this weekend! I've got to have "good jeans" in NYC! Oh yeah. I think the jeans even started crying when they realized there wasn't any way in hell they were making this trip to NYC with me. Shit. They won't be going anywhere for a long, long time. They are doomed to collect dust in my closet. No more skinny tight jeans for me. Thank God about 2 years ago on a shopping trip I accidentally bought a pair of Lucky Brand Jeans in size 12. (I wondered why they were so comfy at the time, but my dumbass didn't doublecheck thinking I had picked up the 8/10).

Anywhoo. Tonight I had to part ways with two tight sweaters (damn boobs), 3 pair of jeans and 1 pair of my favorite black pants. It's a sad night in Warner Robins.

I have never been one to "pack light." But damn...it's REAL easy to do when nothing in your closet fits. Guess it's a good thing I'm going to NYC. Shopping just moved to the top of the "things to do in NYC" list!!!

It's All Sinking In

Two things dawned on me today...

1) Constant nausea? I'm not a fan.

and

2)While I could get away with it now, come two or three months, I will no longer be able to sashay my cute little ass(in whatever jeans and booby top I've poured myself into) into Da Club and shake my booty something fierce. I will be forced to do all my booty shaking (while wearing sweats) in Da Living Room.

That's just sad.

Miss me?

Goodness...It's so nice to know so many people miss my ramblings and worry when I haven't spoken up in awhile. Love y'all too.

So let's see....

Miss Vomit has not made an appearance to the party (Thank God), but her sorority sister Miss Nausea has shown up once or twice this week. She's kinda shy and doesn't cause alot of trouble. I'm hoping she stays that way and doesn't come out of her shell.

And speakin' of comin' out of her (or should I say THEIR)shell...Mary Ann and Ginger are wanting to say hello something fierce. I have a few cute buttondowns, while a bit on the fitted side, are still tasteful and appropriate for work. Uh. Not anymore. Yesterday morning the girls popped that top button within' 5 minutes of getting that shirt on. And this morning I put a tank top on under a shirt and damn if the strap didn't break from the strain! *I* myself really can't tell if the boobs are getting bigger, but it seems my clothing is stating otherwise.

I am a little irritable this week. But that could be because I have students that, as I am trying to walk them through a math problem they can't do, and ask, "Okay. So how many legs does a dog have?" and the answer is (after some thoughtful consideration), "2?" Or even better, "Okay. What step are you going to do first? Yes. 30 - 6. So what IS 30 - 6" and the answer is "5?" What? That doesn't make the average person irritable?! Should I remind y'all I'M TEACHING 4TH GRADE!!!!!! (Will you start praying for me if I tell you this child is a repeater and there is about 4 others in my class close to being in the same boat? Yes? You will?! Bless your heart.)

Smells bothering me? No. Food aversions? No. If anything when I want something...I.WANT.IT. And if I don't get it then whatever I do eat is not good. Then I'm not happy. The other night I wanted "Mema Cooking" - fried porkchops, potatoes and green beens (and not from the can). So I hit the grocery store and whipped me up some dinner. DAMN! It was good. But two days later when I was in the mood for ham, biscuits and mashed potatoes (homemade - not the box) or macaroni, and didn't have those ingredients and instead settled for chicken and the left over green beens...nuh-uh. Wasn't happenin'. Not a bit of it tasted good.

So it was off to the grocery store because by then (still pissed off I didn't enjoy my supper) I wanted potato chips and my favorite oreo cookie ice cream sandwich treats. Ticked when I got there and my ice cream desserts were nowhere to be found and settled on cookies and cream cheesecake bites. And do I need to tell you that all my groceries went in the trunk EXCEPT the cool ranch doritos. I was a little happier (but still wanting mashed potatos and biscuits). Guess what I had tonight? Oh yeah...ham. homemade mashed potatos (oooooh....hell yeah they were yummy) and biscuits from Cracker Barrell (thank you mama!).

And already a fruit lover, I think I could eat fruit 24/7 right now. I am eating about 5 or 6 fruits a day and really could do more. (my faves right now - bananas, kiwi and watermelon)

Seriously. I love food. I don't want to start throwing it up.

But on a serious note....I have learned exactly WHY I am single and pregnant. Because if I had a husband/boyfriend, if they didn't die from it first, they would leave me due to the toxic fumes shooting from my rear end!!!!!

Bad. Really bad.

B is for Blue and...Boy???

So another weird dream to add to the list. Now it wasn't so much that it was THAT weird, but that once again what I feel to be sign of a "boy to come" was present.

But let's backtrack a few days...

Several days ago I dreamed I was walking along this river and hear Jameson, a guy that I know (works for KC), across the way yelling at me to see what he caught. He's yelling that he caught this big catfish, and I start walking over to see what looks to be a big catfish. But as he gets closer I notice that he is dragging the big ole thing along the ground, and I say, "But Jameson. That's not a catfish. It's a dog." Sure enough the catfish had turned into a dog that he was just dragging along. We argued this for several minutes (him swearing it was a catfish) until the next thing I know we were in a van driving around Warner Robins (in an area of town where we used to talk old dudes into getting us many bottles of Boone's Farm - the glory of the 10th grade, I tell ya) and the dog has now turned into a baby boy who is buckled into the backseat. And in my dream it was very clear that the baby boy was mine. Do I need to mention that Charles Kelley was riding with us in the front seat?!

Okay. yeah..this dream was the night before the Lady A show, so no wonder he showed up! And Jameson WAS at the last concert I attended a few weeks ago. so it kinda makes sense he was there. However, the catfish that turned into a large dog that turned into a baby boy - well, I can't explain that one too much. Maybe I will have a son who is an avid fisherman and animal lover?!

Hmmph. I say let's just chalk it up to an effed up dream.

Then last night I dreamed that in order to impress one very hot fiddla I was coloring my teeth blue. How this was supposed to impress him....not so sure. But all I know in my dream it was supposed to do just that.

Let's see...that's three weird dreams where the following have shown up: a penis with a bow around it, a baby boy in the backseat, and blue teeth...

So...boy? or Effed up dreams? I'll let y'all call it.

Rainbows and Granola Bars

In the past month I have noticed not one, but TWO, double rainbows. I think this is quite odd yet fascinating. So fascinting that I believe it to be a sign sent from above straight to me saying that all is going to be just right. I mean, two in a month?! And double rainbows at that?! It's a sign. And y'all know how I believe in signs.

The one I saw yesterday was so beautiful that had I not been in a hurry to get to Savannah to get to the concert on time, I would have pulled right over on the interstate and sat there just staring at it. I think it had to be one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. The bottom rainbow was so big and bright and close that it looked like I was about to drive right under it. And I could see the whole thing which is always very cool. Beautiful. yep. A sign of good things.

But gotta love how I drove straight into a storm - the kind where you can't see, and no matter how fast the wipers are going it doesn't help. Now I see this as no kind of sign. It was just a storm. LOL Luckily, I made it with minutes to spare, and Melissa and I got to downtown Savannah to get to our concert. However, we didn't have time to eat.

Two pregnat women. No dinner. Do you know where this is going?

Now I must let you know that the other day I had my first "Eat....NOW!" moment at work. My breakfast wore slap off at 10:30 with no warning. The belly rumbled and the shakes hit. I had to find food fast. That afternoon I went straight to the grocery store and bought snacks - lots of snacks. Let me tell ya - I have granola bars coming out the yingyang!

But on with the story....

So there we are having a good ole time at the concert. Lady A was fantastic as always. ( I mean..they are who I went to see and drove through a storm to get to)Then Jason Aldean came on. At some point my stomach began rumbling. I hung in there for several songs. And then it hit. I practically dived for my purse. In the darkened auditorium I searched for my granola bar.

And there I was...shaking my ass and rocking out to an AMAZING drum solo...eating a granola bar.

Jellybean does not even know the bad ass mommy he is getting!

And in case you are wondering...granola bars only hold you over so long. Once I heard my favorite Jason Aldean song, "Johnny Cash", and noticed us BOTH looking at our watches, I knew it was time and that the call of pizza was much stronger than a few more songs... and we hauled ass out of there!

I left the show sober and several songs early.

I'm stepping into a whole new world....

Pure Excitement In My World!

Seriously, can this day get ANY better?

First of all, in Jellybean related news -

...yes. I am a total goober that has already nicknamed this being inside me. And, no, it's not in reference to size because if that was the case I'd be calling the jellybean a poppyseed. But on with the good stuff I'm trying to get on to...

So, I went for a blood test on Monday. They wanted to check my HCG levels which ended up being 425 (very good for how far I am which isn't far at all). Then I had to go back on Wednesday because the numbers should double every 48 hours indicating all is pretty darn good in da womb. All they were wanting was to see the number in the 800's. And Jellybean gave them 1476! Thatta boy! (or girl!)

My first appointment (WITH ULTRASOUND) is now set for November 18th, and I am so excited I can barely stand it. I will be 8 weeks at that appointment. Ahhhhhhhh!!!

So how did the day get any better you ask?! Because I got a phone call. Yep. A phone call. And they left a message. Yep. A simple little message. After a few years of trying to get them I got them. Yep. Got them. You are dying to know, right?

Well....come November 22 my happy little ass (or big ass depending on if I have started putting on the pounds) will sitting in the audience at a taping of Saturday Night Live in NYC!!!

SATURDAY!NIGHT!LIVE!

IN NEW!YORK!CITY!

Yep. I just pissed in my pants from the excitement!

Seriously...How do Pregnant Women Gain Weight?!

BECAUSE IT SEEMS THEY CAN'T EAT SHIT!!!

Why didn't anyone give me the heads up you can't eat deli meat?! Or at least not cold?! Seriously. WTF. Do you know how much I love a ham, turkey and cheese sandwiches?! I don't want to HEAT the meat up before I make one.

And please don't get me started on the white cheese dip from the Mexican restaurant. I can eat a bowl...by myself! (that isn't crying you hear coming from me right now...sniffle...really...)

You know...I knew I had to give up a Long Island or a bottle of champagne (yeah, I said a bottle - bite me), but an effin' ham and cheese sandwich?!

The internet is an evil, scary, scary place!

Yesterday WASN'T a fluke!

I am still pregnant. Because, of course, I had to test again this morning. I mean, I bought a pack of three tests for goodness sake! I'll be honest...I was terrified that that 2nd line wouldn't show up and that yesterday was a fluke or something. NOpe. There it was. OMG!

As for my dreams...noone showed up nekkid this time which is really hard to believe since The Girls Next Door (Holly, Kendra, and Bridgette) made an appearance! Ashton Kutcher (who seemed to be losing his mind) was there too with some crazy spiked hair going on, and we were all at a Kenny Chesney concert (nothing new with me dreaming about that! haha)

Gosh! I can't wait to see who else shows up in my dreams in the next nine months! hmmmm....If a nekkid David Beckam (or McSteamy) - with a bow wrapped around HIS penis - shows up I may just spend the rest of the pregnancy sleeping!!! grrrr...

What the Hell Does THAT mean?!

So, I've been told that crazy dreams are part of pregnancy symptoms. Guess what that means? I'm going to share mine! (well...maybe not all of them...but I'm sure I will share alot!) I noticed last week I was having some really CRAZY dreams. But last night I had a doozy of a dream. So here you go....

I was at a friend's house, sitting on the floor, looking through a box of her pictures. I came upon two or three that were quite disturbing. There were 5x7's of my ex and his wife. They were professional portraits. In one they were almost posed like a prom picture - facing each other, holding on to each other's elbows or waists or something.

The disturbing part? They were both completely BUTT ASS NEKKID!

Even more disturbing? Jacob's penis had a bow wrapped around it like a present!!!!

WTF?!

In my dream, I couldn't decide if I was more shocked that my friend had these pictures or the fact that my ex's penis was WAAAAAAY bigger than when I was with him. It was ENORMOUS!

Like I said there was more than one picture. Another one was Jacob hiding behind a tree kinda of playing "peek-a-boo" with whoever was taking the picture.. The reason I say "kinda" is because the only thing peeking around the tree was...his penis! LMFAO

You think it means I'm having a boy?

Third Time IS the Charm!!!

I awoke at 7ish this morning to let Charlie out and figured today was the day to start peein' on those sticks!!! And I did. And it was POSITIVE. Yep, you read that right. I am pregnant.

Holy Shit!!! HOLY SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!

I have been at a Math Conference since Wednesday. Yesterday, I began feeling really nauseous and thought to myself that it could be a "sign." But then on the drive home I began feeling feverish. And upon arriving home, I had a serious case of the chills. Nauseous, feverish, chills??? I was then convinced that I must have the flu coming on or some kind of food poisoning from the "camp" food we ate (The conference was at Rock Eagle - and by the way, I slept in the cabins that I stayed in when I was at camp in 5th grade there. Those cabins smelled like it had been that long since they'd been properly cleaned. But that grumbling is a story for another day.)

I went to bed early and got up this morning. I didn't feel feverish anymore. I no longer had the chills. As a matter of fact, I was now hot and cranking the air down! I peed on that stick and fully expecting nothing when I went back to look, was quite shocked when there was a big, pink line! Oh no...there was nothing "faint" about that line. IT.WAS.THERE. and I.aM.PREGNANT.

Holy SHit! (By the way, I've repeated this phrase more than any other today.)

I immediately called Jill and before I could get anything out she said, "O-M-G!" and I replied, "You knocked me up!!!" Lots of squealing on her end. She even went outside so as not to freak out her children.

I then called Melissa (who couldn't properly squeal due to being in the car with folks that don't need to know my state of knocked-up-ness right now).

I let the WRHS girls know via texts/emails.

Then it was on to breakfast to tell Mama IN person. We had ordered our breakfast and I put the stick in front of her on the table and said, "What do you think about that?" And she looked down all confused and then it registered. It was all good. I think I even saw some happy crocodile tears threatening to spill over.

Sent a cryptic message to Aunties Jodie and Mel. LOL

Next it was on to tell Granny who did this high pitched squealing thing. Gotta give props to Granny for the excitement for her 35 year old granddaughter who used a sperm donor to get knocked up! Who knew?!

On to Chance's to tell them. Chance laughed and then started questioning, "Shelby, are you SURE you want one? They are hard work!" Crystal was another big squealer for the day. She told Jersey (who is 2 1/2), "There is a baby in Shelby's belly", and J turned and looked at me with such seriousness and said, "Can I see it?!" haha When I was getting ready to leave she reached up and said, "There is a baby in your belly?" and patted my stomach. She said it and patted me like three times.

Daddy finally called back and I told him.

So for now everyone that needs to know knows. Well, Tonya doesn't know. But she's not home. Becuase I've driven by her house...twice. Damn it! Where is she?!

And I am...? HAPPY.EXCITED.SMILING. I'm not scared. I'm not one bit upset that I did this. I know I did the right thing for me. This is aweseome.

The only thing I've noticed since yesterday is my disinterest in food. I think I want something. Or think I should eat something. Then I get it. And I'm forcing myself to eat at least half of it. I've lost interest in it by the first bite. Oh well.

So there y'all go!!! Please say lots of prayers for me and my baby....

me and my baby...

HOLY SHIT! ;)

I Am Strong...Hear Me Roar!!!

I was at the grocery store earlier today picking up stuff for dinner. My bag was full, and on the way to checkout I stopped on the aisle with the HPTs.

I looked over the selection. Checked out the prices. I carefully picked up a box. I put it back down. And I walked to the checkout with nothing in my hand except my basket of groceries.

I am strong!!! Hear me Roar!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

And then I got home and realized that the ding dong in the checkout line forgot my taco seasoning. How in the hell can you make "Taco Bake" without the TACO seasoning?! Well....you effing can't!!!!

So off I go to the grocery store closest to me. Taco seasoning in hand. A quick stop on the carpet freshner aisle (gotta mask Charlie somehow) which is NEXT to...the HPT aisle. I couldn't help it. I walked to the next aisle.

(I swear the damn things were saying, "Shelby!!! Wooooooohoooooo, SHELBY!!!! We're over here. Come on and get us, bitch!!!")

I looked over the selection. Checked the prices. I DIDN'T pick up a box. I turned....and hauled ass to the checkout. Once again - without the HPTs!!!

I AM STRONG!!!! HERE ME ROAR!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

That's MY idea, damn it!

So here I thought I was being all creative and stuff and I find out...I'm not!

If you've kept up with my ramblings the last few months you'll know that I hinted to my Halloween outfit should I indeed get preggers. I was walking one afternoon, and as usual, the great ideas just come out of nowhere. BOOM! It just POPPED in my head - a great Halloween costume!

Well, imagine my surprise (and disappointment) when I am lying in bed last night perusing a new issue of US weekly and I see a blurb for "Hot Halloween" ideas for 2008. And there among the four listed is MY idea!

MINE.MINE.MINE!

I have not talked to a reporter from US weekly or done an online poll to share Halloween ideas. So obviously, out there in this big, wide world is someone as AWESOME as I am at coming up with Halloween ideas.

AND THE STUPID JACKASS TOLD US WEEKLY!

Damn it! You don't give away the good ideas! I'm so irritated about this. But, as distraught as I am, I still plan on doing MY outfit should I get a BFP next week (or maybe even if I don't). So therefore...I'm still keeping it a secret.

It just makes me feel better to surprise people. Sigh.

So Jill Knocked Me Up...

Gotta love that this weekend I didn't have to go alone for my "rendevoux" with Mr. 2936. At one point Friday night as we all sat around the table catching up, I had a feeling I was going to show up at the doctor's Saturday morning with 7 very interested and supportive friends cheering me and my "babydaddy" on.

Alas, too much beer and a 3 am bedtime for many nipped that in the bud right away!

However, Jill got up Saturday morning all bright eyed and bushytailed and we were off. (okay...so maybe she got that way after her 3rd cup of coffee, but still...) We arrived at the doctor's office on time and ready for Try #3 to get underway. Of course, I joked that everyone was going to think we were complete lesbians and made sure to reference Jill's hubby a time or two throughout the process. But we still had a lot of fun as "girlfriends".I always like to leave people wondering. Amd we are still joking she knocked me up.

She even went in the room with me! I believe my announcement of "Jill, now I don't want you staring at my privates" drove home the fact to the doctor and nurse that we were indeed NOT lovers. At one point as Jill and I sat alone in the room waiting on the doctor, the clock on the wall was ticking loudly. Loudly enough to warrant the following statement from Jill - "That isn't your biological clock ticking, is it?" Har har, Jill! ;) Even better, Dr. C joked with Jill that she could do the insemination. She declined the offer much to my relief.

Procedure done and we headed back to Regena's to rouse the other sleepyheads to get our day of nothing underway. Once again, I have to give a shout out to my friends for their support and positive vibes on my "baby project." It means the world to me, and I don' think they realize how much. They all rubbed my belly when I got back and the remainder of the weekend would constantly correct me if I said the words "if this time works". There is no "if" about it according to them. Chris even joked she is going to throw me a baby shower with the theme around the numbers "2936"! THAT should be interesting. LMFAO When I told Brad (who had been banned from his own home for the weekend and snuck back over to the house for a quick hello),he even rubbed my belly and said, "It took and it's a girl." Gotta love those positive vibes since Regena says he has a complete knack for calling stuff like this.

The fact that my best friends since junior high and high school were around me on the same weekend I was trying for a baby was not lost on any of us. We ALL want this weekend to be the weekend it happens for me. And I think we'll all be disappointed if it doesn't. I pray, pray, pray that when our next get together rolls around that I'll be sporting a big ole belly and happily declining the hot tub and beer that runneth over in abundance on these weekend gatherings.

But for now we wait...and I say "we" because my support system of friends are right here waiting with me.

Spot Watch '08 Part 3 is underway once again!

Good Karma and Random Thoughts...

I am about to head out for a weekend with my WRHS girls. We have been getting together (with husbands) for the last few years in some distant state that is both accessible to everyone and far enough up a mountain that being nekkid and obnoxious can occur without someone calling the cops.

Good times, I tell ya.

Anywhoo...we are doing something a little different this go round in that it's only the girls this weekend meeting up in our beloved Middle Georgia (hopefully, Regena's house won't look like the PCB beach house we stayed in during Spring Break our Senior year - Good Lawd, we wrecked that shit!). And I can barely contain my excitement that packed in my bag is the WRJH Smoke Signal. Oh yeah...the video of all videos from our 9th grade year. It's a suprise for everyone! God, you gotta love pink,blue,and purple Cover girl eyeshadow and big, poofy, permed hair. (Sigh. We love you and remember you fondly 1987!)

But back to my point...I'm sorry...i was taking a trip to '87-'88...and those were some fan -wait for it- tastic years! FANTASTIC.

Okay...so the point...Both Kelly and Jill have figured that the 3rd try is going to work this go round based soley on the fact everyone will be together. As Jill put it, "OmG! We are all so going to be around for you getting knocked up." and Kelly said, "It's good karma!"

I totally agree.

And if the above wasn't random enough, I actually have a date for a wedding next weekend. Woohoo! Seeing as I haven't taken a date to a wedding since 1996 (at least that I can remember) and for the last 12 years have been putting "Shelby + 1" just to be a positive thinker, this is big stuff! And get this....he's driving from Baltimore!!! Holy crapola! Several people have mentioned, "Well, why dont' you let him knock you up." My reply - "He's getting here a week too late." ha.

Timing can be such a bitch, can't she? And in more ways then one.

Here We Go Follie, Here We Go!!!

So at 8am this morning I was once again up on a table with the coochie cam checking out the lay of the land. We hit the jackpot with one follicle at 18mm on my left ovary. Although after reading online about people with two or three follies, I feel cheated somehow with only one! Ha! But let's all pray it's THE one. Anywhoo...It seems that 18mm was good enough to warrant... THE SHOT.

I was given my instructions. Shot at 9pm tonight. Go in for the IUI on Saturday morning at 8AM. It's all about timing, baby!

I was actually prayin' that I would get the green light tonight seeing as it was Bunko night, and I would have 11 people that I could inlist to stick me with the needle. I'm sorry - I just couldn't do it myself. Tonya, who had already volunteered, was there. However, since Alicia is a nurse (pediatric nurse), and I am a big baby, Alicia was the "Chosen One." Gotta love that when 9 pm rolled around I had a crew of friends standing around in a circle watching me start my ovulation. Seriously - my friends are sick wanting to watch someone they love (ME!) have pain inflicted upon them (it really didn't hurt). Sometimes I laugh at what funny situations arise in my life.

So here we go....GAME ON!

Drummin' my fingers on the table...

Not much happenin' in my world. My trigger shot arrived and is safely waiting in the frig for the doctor to give me the go ahead. I actually had it sent to school but not before asking the girl on the phone, "The box isn't going to be stamped all over with FERTILITY in big bold letters is it?!" She assured me it wasn't. Only a few people at work are even aware of my plans, so I had to make sure the box was coming incognito.

Gotta love Tonya...she has graciously stepped up to the plate to give me the shot if I find myself unable to jab my own belly with a needle(TOTAL possibility!). However, she grimaced the whole time she was saying it! haha But she is willing to help me in this process if I can get a future girlfriend for Charlie out of it.

Which Melissa might have some concerns with that since she is hoping I will produce a future girlfriend for Brooks. Yep! She's having a boy. (See...1/2 of my "baby stash" will be gone in a few months! AND I GOT IT ALL ON SALE! Woohoo!)

At dinner with Daddy a few nights ago I told him that if it doesn't work this time I guess I'm going to just have to get one of my single guy friends drunk next go round and take total advantage of him - to save money, of course. It gave us both a chuckle since I was totally kiddin'.

Well, maybe kiddin'. ;)

Coochie Cam Time

So...3rd time is the charm, right? At least I hope that holds true for me. I am going for try three and should it not work, I may just have to take a break for a month or two to recoup the "baby finances." I just ask that everyone keep me in their prayers that it works this time. Y'all...I want it to work this time. I'm 35 1/2 years old. I don't have time to "take a break". I want this. I wish everyone could see inside my head and heart and know just how badly.

I called the doctor's office and it seems we are going to try a different approach. instead of using the ovulation kits (where you pee on the sticks) the doctor is going to detect upcoming ovulation with the vaginal ultrasound (aka - coochie cam! hey! hey!) I went in today so they could get the lay of the land (aka - cooochie! Hey! Hey!) and then I will go back next week to check the size of my follicles to make sure they are getting to the correct size. Then I'm going to use some "trigger shot" to jumpstart ovulation. What I gather is that it all has to do with timing and me giving myself a shot! (AKA - a needle in the stomach! hey! he...WTF?!)

I'm a little freaked out about that people! Okay....REALLY freaked out about that. Give myself a shot?! Are you serious?! I can barely stand other people giving me a shot!!! I mean the last time I dealt with someone sticking me with a needle, I came out of being under sedation with the nurse asking me if I was still going to beat her up. (It seems that in my medicated haze I told other nurses I was going to kick her ass for hurting me with the IV. Oops. I didn't mean it. I wouldn't REALLY kick her ass. Really.)

So for the past few days I have been dealing with hella bad cramps, seasonal allergies that are kicking my ass, snakes in my classroom (and I ain't talking about sneaky children - I'm talking about a real effing snake that was just crawling along the wall in my classroom a mere half a foot away from where my students and I sat - and if you could hear my voice as you read that you'd hear a high pitched squeal because I am STILL freaked out and crawling with the heebie jeebies from THAT little episode!) and now I have self medication - with needles no less! - to add to everything.

Faaaabulous. Just Faaaabulous.

I Don't Even Have a Bottle of Wine, Damn It!!!

And we have cramps.

Spot Watch '08 - Take #2 has officially come to an end.

It's sad. It's frustrating. It's disappointing. It pisses me off. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to get in my car and go to Key West. (wait...that's nothing new...I ALWAYS want to get in my car and go to Key West) It makes me want to stamp my foot like a two year old throwing a tantrum shouting, "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR!" It makes me want to...fuckin' scream!

But what do I get all wrapped up in one neat little package on the same day - cramps and seasonal allergies.

Lovely. Juuuuust F-IN Lovely.

It Was the Candy Corn

I caved.

So I totally hit up the CVS. I'd like to say I was craving candy corn, but really I didn't see the Halloween candy aisle until I was on my way to the "family planning" aisle. But I think somewhere deep down my body WANTED the candy corn and couldn't get that thought to my head with the right words. All it could get to my head were the words "pee" and "stick" not "candy" and "corn". My head went with that, and there I was at the CVS.

Seriously. I totally had no control over the process. Obviously, I wanted candy corn and just didn't realize it. I mean, I love candy corn. Yep. Had to be it.

Damn it. I'm so weak.

Pee Sticks....Possibly Crack Rock?!

I've never done crack.

Mama is probably breathing a sigh of relief on that one considering she knows I ain't no angel!

But damn the pull of the pee stick! The allure. The magnetism. The... tempation.

It's gotta be the same feeling a crack addict gets, dontcha think?

But I didn't give in. OH NO! Not me. Not this time. I am not wasting my hard earned money on a little piss stick just to get a BFN. Even if it comes from the dollar tree. Nope. Not going to do it.

I can hold out til Sunday. I think.

I Drank Beer...okay beerS... So Sue Me!

After my last trip to Raleigh where I (gasp) drank water, many a person said to me, "You know, Shelby, it would have been okay if you drank. I had a shitfaced night before I found out I was actually pregnant."

So with that in mind, I headed out on my last big trip of the year. It was time to wrap up the Poets and Pirates Tour in Indy. I arrived at the Atlanta airport around 1:30 pm.

And I had a yummy margarita at the Chilis on concourse A.

Then we found out we weren't making our first flight (we were flying on buddy passes) and probably wouldn't make the next one either.

And I had a beer at the sports bar on Concourse B.

After 8 hours in the Atlanta airport, only to end up driving another 8 hours because we weren't getting on a plane to Indy or any other city in the surrounding area for that matter, I was due a drink...

Or ten.

We finally reached our destination, and the only reason i could come up with for Big J not answering my prayers for getting on a flight was this - this past weekend might have been when (hopefully) my "implantation" was occurring and maybe science doesn't know (but God does) that high altitudes and cabin pressure could affect that. What can I say? There has to be a reason that God didn't want us on that flight. And seeing as no airplane crashes were reported that's all I can come up with for putting us First Class in Transportation Hell for 16 hours!!!

Saturday brought one margarita, several Coronas and a damn, DAMN, giggly, googly, smiley, good time. Sigh. I wince a little, but a few beers at a concert in what would only be the 3rd week of pregnancy is not going to be my downfall. (as several of my friends with healthy happy children can attest to) What is meant to be is meant to be, and a few coronas aren't going to put a damper on it.

So now I wait. I have no pregnancy tests in my house that I can pee on too early. I don't plan on buying any until Saturday. I will start testing on Sunday. Not feeling a thing. Don't won't to put any negative vibes out there...just not feeling anything. Hoping beyond hope that this time did indeed work.

Can you imagine? February rolling around and me buying car seats and boppies instead of Kenny Chesney Concert tickets?

It's a thought that puts a big 'ole smile on my face.

Sunday Morning Irritation

With it being the Lord's Day and all, I feel compelled not to drop any F-Bombs this morning. But I'm irritated....BIG TIME. And you, my dear friends, do know I have a trash mouth. So the rest of this basically has F-Bombs peppered throughtout....in my head. Very loud in my head.

Do y'all want to know why I'm single? WELL! I've recently found out.

1)I'm picky....
(did you insert the F-bomb before the word picky? Great! then you'll know where to insert them throughout the rest of this. BAsically every sentence from here on out!) Oh, and this one has come from many a person I've known over the years. It's my favorite. (ahem....definitely needed to think "F-Bomb" there before the word "favorite".) I'm picky. Yeah. that's it. Totally. (insert a big fat eye roll by the way)

2)I travel too much...
Love this one. Because I won't stay put a one or two weekends a month *I* haven't found a boyfriend in 12 years. Yeah...THAT makes a lot of sense.

3)I"m having too much fun...
SERIOUSLY!!! How come I didn't know this?! OMG! I would have stopped having fun SOOOOO long ago. (while you are inserting F-Bombs are you also inserting sarcasm...becuase the stuff should be oozing out of your computer screen at this point.)

4) I'm too wild. Men are intimidated by me.
Please....if a man is intimidated by me he's nothing but a.....wait....Lord's day....counting to ten in my head....he's nothing but a "kitty cat"....a big ole kitty cat! (And if you can't insert the correct word in place of kitty cat I am trying to figure out how in the hell you got the link to this blog.)

Wow...there are others I've heard, but the ones above are my (ahem) FAVORITES!

You know what I think....I think some people need to get their head out of 1950's ass and take a good look at 2008!!!!

Welcome to Club Vagina!!!!

(Please go back and reread the title but with the "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" announcer voice. TOTALLY the way I'm thinking it in my head. HA)

So it's the weekend and wouldn't you know that last night around 7pm I got the "ovulation okay" from the little testy thingy. Of course, it would happen after the office is closed. I called and got all the after hour numbers. Let me state first and foremost that I have never in my life paged or had to beep someone. So I was completely confused when all I got was a beep and couldn't leave a message. Did I do it right?! I waited. Then I went to plan B and paged the doctor. I waited. No word back. There was a 3rd option, but I went to bed frustrated and thinking I'd try again in the morning.

Aand gotta be honest here....I totally woke up this morning in a panic. What if I missed out on this month's opportunity?! What would I do?! So...I started thinking about three hot single guys I know and maybe I should give one of them a call. Not kiddin'. They are all in my phone. I actually picked up my phone and was looking for one (who I've had "relations" with before) and was considering texting him when I decided I better try the nurse again first. So....when I heard that stupid beep again I thought, "Maybe I'm supposed to put in my phone number." Well there you go! It worked.

Totally Big J telling me I didn't need to call one of my guy friends, get them drunk and have sex. Seriously. A sign from above. And people don't think God talks to you. He SO does.

So off I go this morning to do the deed....Try #2. Here we go. It wasn't my doctor but the other doctor in the practice. And my funny for this go round was the nurse telling me, "I checked out the sample this morning. There are some swimmers in there!!!"

OMG! Please let one of them be a Michael Phelps of the sperm world. JUST ONE!!!!

My Ipod was on hand once again, But i didn't go with the Kenny Chesney BAYA CD this time. In honor of the weekend and welcoming the boys to CLUB VAGINA I put on booty music! I thought it might pump them up. I mean (1) real men at a club totally think with their penis when they are after some hot ass at the club. I wanted those boys to be hauling ass to the "dance floor" after my girl! Hee Hee and (2) Booty music makes me work out harder, so why not the boys?

And right now I'm totally listening to "there you go...bring it here baby....come on...hey girl....let me see you get low..." Eggie Girl ain't got a chance this month! I think she is going to be a total slut and have a one nighter. It's da club....A good time is always had at da club!

WELCOME TO CLUB VAGINA!

It's kinda funny...

My weekend trip to Raleigh was spent waiting on a big fat positive or my period to show up. I drank water. ME! At a concert! I drank water. Then the period showed up. Dang it. I mean I drank water! (whining a little now) But I remember thinking all weekend that I could care less if I was at a show or if I was drinking water. All I cared about was waking up each morning without my period and peeing on that damn stick. All I wanted was that faint little line to show up.

This past weekend in Jax I had my normal good, good time. Fantastic concert - fantastic after party.... and I drank Bud! LOL But again...as much fun as I was having I would have traded it for that faint line.

Now I sit here every day looking at my calendar...counting the days until I ovulate...then go in for try #2...then wait again....looking forward to crossing off another day until I can get to the day I want it to be.

All I want is that positive line. That's it.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love the past 12 years since my divorce. I love the memories that I have created over the last thirty-five years. Man, am I going to have some stories to tell in the old folks home!!!

But it's not enough. Not for me.

Totally Off Topic...but....

Well...since my coochwa is the topic maybe it is not so off topic after all...

I may have just cured my committment phobia issues if you will. I went and got a bikini wax....and that shit hurt. now what made me go do this....I don't know. Just got a gander to try it.

First pull. Shew. Hmm. I'm okay.
Next pull. Still doing good.
Next. SHIT! That hurt.
Next. Oh shit!!! I started sweating.

The girl assures me the top hurts worse than the bottom.

Next she heads toward the bottom. OOOOOOH SHIT! I'm sweating and nauseus at this point.

Lying bitch!

and on. and on. and on. By the time she was done I was sweating, nauseus, my legs were shaking, and I thought I might cry.

And all I can say after going through this experience is if I'm going to do that to myself then SOMEONE - besides me! - had better be lookin' at it and touchin' it.

and with that said....I'm off to Jax for the weekend! ;)

Babydaddy Take 2

So here we go again. I just got off the phone after placing order number two for my babydaddy. I went with the same donor. The one that I had orginially liked only to be disappointed that I couldn't get, and then disappointed again when I found out he was available, is now once again not available. Sheesh! So once again I take that as I am using the choice I'm supposed to even though there obviously weren't any Michael Phelps sperm in that first group. I am hoping there are going to be some bad ass sperm in this second group that are going to get the job done this go round. Only time will tell, right?

Pros of getting pregnant this go round vs. last go round -

1) Fabulous, Fun-Lovin' Gemini baby!
2) I get an awesome birthday present.
3) I won't have to use very much (if any) of my sick days to go birthin' a baby. It'll be summer vacation.
4) I won't be too poochy for the bridesmaid dress that I have to wear in October.
5) I may be able to get away without having to purchase too many ugly fall/winter maternity clothes. I hate fall/winter colors on me when I'm skinny much less when I might be sporting a basketball under my shirt!

Cons -
1) I'm selfish and don't want to share my birthday with my child. I'd rather they be several days apart. (Is that bad? What?! We both need our own day!)
2) No other cons - I'd be getting a baby. I don't think in terms of cons. (Check back with me when they are throwing a tamtrum at 2 though. haha)

Didn't have the silly feeling this go round. Guess the disappointment is still looming large, so that overshawdowed the excitement that I felt the first go round. But, being the believer I am, everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to.

I just pray the way it "is supposed too" is the same as the way "I want it too".

Just so you know...

i'm drunk.

Bottle of wine.

Date with Bud.

Naughty thoughts of men I can't have. Or shouldn't want. And can't have.

Dancin' in my livin' room. Alone.

yeppers. I'm drunk.

Spot Watch '08 has ended!

As I sit here with my 3rd glass of wine in hand I am saddened to say "Spot Watch '08" is officially over...for now. Yes, you read that right. I am drinking wine. Therefore I am not knocked up...

Aunt Flo showed up for the party 3 days late. WHAT A FUCKIN' BITCH!

I woke this morning and had three initial thoughts.

1) Sadness. Mixed with disappointment. Topped with a little pouting.

2) The realization that I had one bottle left of the four I ordered from the winery and that I would be drinking it upon arriving home from my weekend trip. (I am doing that now.)

3) September is my month for Bunko, and I can now drink the margaritas that I had planned on making.

I have come to the realization that Big G was probably just testing me to see if i could actually stay sober during a Kenny concert weekend. I did. Water. For two nights. I am strong. Hear me F-IN roar! Grrrrrrr!!!!

I also think he saved me from years of heartache in having a child that was a Taurus. I couldn't even stay married to a Taurus for a year!!! Imagine me, a True Gemini by all accounts of the word, with a child who is a Taurus. So I will try again...this time for a Gemini. Should it occur it may be like a zoo in my house....a wishy washy zoo at that!!! But as Jill so smartly put....We are Gemini's. We are fabulous. That should be come my mantra.

So for now I will remember with fondness the Grande Cafe Mocha I immediately drank upon sight of the Starbucks next to the Wendy's I was at when I had a tampoon blowout this morning. I will enjoy every sip of the wine I am now drinking. Even mama had a drink with me even though I was thinking in my head as she held her glass, "You better not waste ONE drop of my beloved last bottle of wine." And I will think to the upcoming weekend where I will take up my love affair with my Boyfriend, Bud....Bud Light. Oh my God! You've heard of him? I will think to this upcoming weekend and a cute fella I should not want to kiss, but do, and will try to steal a kiss. Don't go getting any ideas in your head. He can never be my babydaddy. Oh but the pretty, pretty, pretty babies we'd make if he could. Sigh.

(Excuse my ramblings. There is a great possibility that I am drunk right now.)

Then in two weeks I will start the process over. Stay tuned. "Spot Watch '08" may have ended....but it is far from over!!!!

It's official...I'm a freak!

So yeah...I totally didn't hold off on peeing on my one extra stick. Oh no, not me! Instead I went and bought a box of 3 more (who could pass up the bonus extra?!) which allows me to test every day until Thursday if I want to.

And I want to. So I have.

All BFN's (Big Fat Negatives) - that's baby speak by the way.

And to top it all off, last night I DREAMED about peeing on sticks! In my dreams I couldn't stop peeing on my hands. I woke up twice and had to tell myself that "no, that was a dream. I haven't done it yet." (because I start thinking about peeing on a damn stick the minute I F-in wake up)

Yep. I'm a freak!

So to answer the "any signs or symptoms questions" - I had the *funny* feeling last week. I have had a few days of slight crampings, and the last three days I've had backaches. The other night I was out for my daily walk/run, and when I started running I had to stop because my boobs were hurting from the jiggling. It usually doesn't bother me. Last night I went to bed at 8pm which is NOT normal for me being the night owl that I am. So...I'm either pregnant or my period is going to hit full force on Thursday.

It's a 50/50 odds I guess. And I do love to play some Roulette (usually betting red or black) , so I'm thinking positive and putting all my chips on PREGNANT. LOL However, if I don't win I'll do just like I do in Roulette... and play again!

That's just how I roll.

The pull of the pee stick

I caved. And caved too early. I totally wasted a perfectly good stick. I couldn't help myself. I just had to start trying. Of course, it was negative. (So I went back to bed).

I imagine this is how an alcoholic feels wanting a drink. I have to clarify that this is how it "must feel" because contrary to some opinions (cough. mama. cough.) I am NOT an alcoholic.

Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. I will wait til Thursday. I solemnly swear not to go buy a bunch more sticks, just to do it every day ... obviously for the sheer thrill of accidentally peeing on my hand, since I know it's too early to be testing.

Is that a cramp or do I have to poo?

So....Melissa keeps asking, "Do you feel anything?" Of course, as we laugh that she is being silly, I say, "no." But the past few days I *think* I have felt some kind of cramping (and according to my research this is a possibility). However, it may be imaginary or it may be that I just need to go take a poo-poo stinky. It started maybe Wednesday or Thursday, and I thought maybe it was just something I ate. Then it was really bad last night. I went for my daily walk and felt really "funny", almost nauseous. Now again, it could have been my huge dinner that I had eaten earlier. But I carried the wierd stomach thing into the night while I was trying to sleep. Now I can understand that it might be stomach pains due to the cheese stick, burger, fries and brownie thingy I ate. But to feel a little cramping this morning after Frosted Flakes and a banana??? Hmmmmm.......

I have also been periodically pushing on my boobs to see if they are sore. Yes. It's official. I'm a freak. But Mary Ann and Ginger are perfectly perky and fine! Sigh.

And to top it all off I had an internal argument with myself this morning to start peeing on a stick. Thursday is the day I probably should wait for since that or Friday is the day I would start my period. But oh no...I wanna do it now. But I also don't want to see negative every morning when once will suffice. So I'm going to wait.....try to wait.

I just pushed on Ginger again. She's still fine. (probably pissed off I won't stop mashing her but fine nonetheless!)

Feeling a little sappy...

I'm going to be a little corny for a minute, but my heart is overflowing with love for my friends right now. All the people that are being so supportive of my decision to have a baby...all the people that think that a child will be so lucky to have ME as a a Mom . I really want to cry. (And I'm really tearing up right now. Seriously. I'm such a sap in my older age.) Obviously I'm talking about people that it doesn't even cross their minds to ask me, "are you SURE you want to do this?" When in all reality, and probably contrary to my recent post, the positive people really do outweigh the questioning people.

Tonight I went to hang out with some very dear friends and play Bunko. I've been with this Bunko group for several years now - ever since I moved back to WR. Some of the people have changed over the years, but I love these women with all my heart. They range in age from about two years younger than me to my mom's age. Two have known me since I was born. One has been one of my dearest, closest, best friends since we were in junior high. I am only letting a few people in on what I've done. My Bunko girls had known that I was going to go this baby route. We haven't seen each other in two months, and a friend overheard me and Tonya talking tonight. When she heard I told her and then the rest. The whoops of excitement that came forth from two of my friends almost made me bust with happiness!!! It was so awesome. Two or three others continued to show their support and tell me just how happy they were for me throughout the night.

Not one of them even questioned if I was ready. Or if I was sure. Or if I knew what I was going to have to give up. They just think I'm going to be a great mom. And that I deserve this. And for that I want to thank them so much. I don't really know if T, T, D, J, N, and A really know how happy their true excitement for me meant. Alot. It made me feel like I'm not doing anything stupid. Or wrong. Or bad. They didn't treat me with hesitation or concern because I'm not married, not in a relationship.

They treated me just like any other person that is trying to have a baby and who so desperately wants one.

So to all my friends and family who are on my side.... Thank you. The love you have shown me means the world to me. And my child will have the best and coolest Aunts in the world!!!

Time To Think

Do you know why I prefer walking around my neighborhood with nothing but tunes coming from my Ipod than going to the gym? Becuase at the gym I have to have a magazine or book or tv show on or there is no way I can stay on the machine for the 30 to 60 minutes I want to. But walking around my neighborhood I can't read or watch T.V., so all I have time to do during my hour long trek is think. And I like to spend time lost in thought. Lost in thought about things going on past, present, and future. Lost in thought about life in general. So tonight as I walked, I was once again lost in thought about my recent decisions and how they will affect my life.

And as I walked, my mind turned to one event - one event that has always played an important role in my life. And with that thought looming large in my mind I asked myself, "OMG! If I am pregnant what in the hell can I be for Halloween?!"

Seriously. This is major. Thank God I had an hour to think of this. For those of you that know me know that the great ideas, the numero uno Halloween ideas come to me rather quickly - the Kissing Bandit and Kissing Booth in a mere matter of minutes driving down I-95.....the Tootsie Roll Pop driving down Abercorn....my overwhelming desire last year to sport an afro and tube socks. Really....did we ever really think I'd be able to top those?

But once again I dug deep into my Halloween Spirit Reserve and pulled out THE MOST FANTASTIC, AWESOME, VERY HUMOROUS IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF Halloween idea ever....or at least for a pregnant woman. (Acutally I think this one is quite good for a non-pregnant woman too!)

But never fear....should my positive thinking that 8-8-08 was indeed a lucky day for me fail, then I will do as I have done in the past and give my Halloween idea to my very dear and pregnant BFF Melissa!

But...BUT....don't ask what it is. It's a secret, and it's soooo gooooooood! heehee

Wanna piss me off?! :(

Fair warning...the following post may contain an F-Bomb. If strategically placed F-Bombs offend you may want to stop reading. (but if you do stop reading please make sure to ask someone else what NOT to say so as NOT to piss me off!!! hahahaha) But first let me step onto my soapbox...

So I say again...Wanna piss me off?

Ask me the following question....or something along the lines of the following questions....

"Are you SURE you are ready for this?" or "I mean, you can't give it back." or "It's different than a dog."

WTF?! are you kiddin' me?! Do you think I'm a fuckin' idiot?! This is what I think when people ask me this. I *KNOW* you can't give it back. Ummmm....and I'm kinda intelligent enough to know that a baby IS different than a dog. And from what I understand most mothers find out that they are truly NEVER ready to have a child. It's a big responsibility that is going to come along with both joys and heartache. And ya know....it comes regardless of if you are married or not. Whether you are 25 or 35. It's almost like saying that married couples don't have fun and interesting lives - like me - up until they have a child. (Well some don't but all you can do is pray for them because they were probably boring ass people before they got married - but that isn't the point to my story) And guess what....most married couples I know with children are still interesting, still fun, and still are able to be very similiar, if not the same people at heart, they were "BC" - before children.

It pisses me off because most people wouldn't be asking me those things if I was some married person trying to have a child. Oh no! I mean....i could be 21 or 25 and still married and everyone would probably be all, "ahhhh that is so exciting. yeahhh! "

But I'm 35 years old and get that shit?! Again...I ask.....WHAT.THE.FUCK.

Yes. I have fun. I have more fun in one day than some people have in a lifetime. But do people really think I want to be some perpetual party animal until I'm 80 and on my deathbed?! Yes! I am single. Yes! I like to travel. Yes! I like my life. But I also know that this is not the way I want to spend it until I'm dead. Sure, some people want to travel the world until they can't do it anymore. But all my freakin' life I've wanted to be a mom. Sure....If I knew that my eggs were still going to be perfectly a-oky in 10 years I might wait. But I might not becuase I also know I don't want to be near death's door age wise as my children grow up.

you know what?! I *do* want to be the 80 year old granny raising hell and kissin' all the old farts at the nursing home. But I want to be that way with my 45 year old son or daughter (and their children) pouring the vodka and metamucil into my drink and pushing my wheelchair!!! Until then - anyone that thinks I'm not going to be the best mom that I can be, teaching my children right from wrong, raising them with some morals (though they may possibly misplace them from the ages of 13 - 35), and put them first and foremost above every single other thing in my life....well....that person doesn't know JACKSHIT...or me for that matter.

Stepping down off my soapbox (muttering under my breath because I'm still worked up about this topic)......

And on an off baby topic totally unrelated to my rant above... I FINALLY....and TOTALLY UNINTENTIONALLY.....met my dad's wife for the first time today. You know....the one he's been with for 2 years? And I can't decide if she looks like a pekingnese or a pug. Way to go grandpa. Sheesh.

That's my Mama, bless her heart!

So everyone is being very supportive of my decision to become a mama. Of course, everyone would LOVE to see Mr. "Right For Me" swoop in and carry me off into the Key West Sunset, but it just ain't happening at the moment. And, don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up on that happening. I truly believe it will. But I can't be puttin' the girls on hold. They aren't gettin' any younger, ya know?!

But on with my point... my Mama seems to be the last one on the fence about all of this major life altering brou-ha-ha. It helps when she hears people her age defend and support my decision. on saturday, the day after I did the IUI, I walked in where she and her best friend were sitting and announced "I did it." Though she knew this was all in the works she had not known it was going to happen Friday. It blew them away and Mama, being Mama, had that look of concern and hesitation on her face. She wants to know what I'm going to tell people, tell the child, etc. "What do I tell my friends?" she asked. I told her exactly this, "I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about what I'm doing. First of all, if they are friends of yours/mine you can tell them exactly what I'm telling you. That I am 35 years old and have been single for 12 years. That I haven't even gone on a 3rd date in 12 years! I want to be a mom, and I have the option to try. I am not going to miss out on my opportunity because 'he' hasn't shown up yet. He might show up in 5 years, but I wont' take that chance with my ability to have a baby. And if they aren't friends, but are strangers, you don't have to tell them anything but that I am having a baby and am going to be a single mom - that the father isn't going to be in the picture."

And that is truly how I feel. The people know and love me will support me and who really gives a shit about the rest? So the three of us talked about it some more and then she went to the restroom to finish doing her hair. All of a sudden I hear her yell from the bathroom, "YOU DID IT YESTERDAY?!" Then she came around the corner with her hair all jacked up from her curler she was in the midst of taking out and says again, "YOU DID IT YESTERDAY?" Me- knowing mama as well as I do - knew EXACTLY where she was going with this and replied, "Yes, Mama. I did it on 8-8-08." She squealed, "OMG! This is so going to work then. It's going to happen. I was sitting there yesterday thinking that something special had to happen on 8-8-08!!!" She's a hoot that's for sure.

Later on after we met up for dinner she had bought me a tee-shirt that I could wear on spirit day when the high schools were having their rivalry games. She wanted to make sure she had bought the right size. When I commented I wear a medium but the large would be fine she said, "Well. You might be pregnant." :)

She's coming around.

I Believe God Drinks Coca-Cola

Myth: A pregnant woman should not consume ANY caffeine.

Fact: Experts and studies have stated that "moderate" levels of caffeine have not been found to have a negative effect on pregnancy. The definition of "moderate" varies anywhere from 150 mg - 300 mg a day.

With a dull headache in my noggin which started last night (so much for 4 pm), I began doing some research this morning and found that *a* cup of coffee has between 150-300 mg of caffeine (I tend to drink 3) while a lovely coca-cola has only 35.5 mg...35.5!.... of caffeine. And get this...diet coke has even more with 45 mg! So my research has led me to the following conclusion....

God is a good God, and he's a Coca-Cola drinker to boot!

I'm going to the grocery store cuz this sister has to wean herself! Goin' cold turkey is obviously not for me!

Edited 30 minutes later to say, "Ahhhhh."

All hell could break loose this afternoon!

For those of you who were lucky enough to meet my fabulous Mema (God love her!) you may not know we had a nickname for her. And it was "Polly Pessimistic". (and it was Polly Pissimistic if she was being extremely pessimistic AND pissy at the same time). I may very very much take after in a lot of ways but not in that one.

Because *I* am a positive thinker.

So with that character trait in place I chose not to have coffee this morning. (oh shut up..I know I told y'all yesterday I ran out, and y'all probably know I'm too lazy to go get some right after I wake up) I looked at the coffee pot and thought, "not today." Really, if there is any chance that "the boys" are fighting their way into my egg right now I am not going to take the chance of jacking them all up on caffeine and have then nutting up before they get in to create my child. I didn't have to have ritalin. I am hoping to God my babydaddy didn't have to have ritalin. So I'm going to do all I can to make sure this possible child doesn't need it. (These are the types of things I fret about)

But check back with me...becuase come 4 pm I may be the one going off the deep end like King Kong, running all over this city for my fix of caffiene so as not to kill someone!

So am I a slut if I had a "one vial stand"?!

It's done. I did it. Holy shit!

8-8-08! J sent me a text last night that that date sounds like a "damn lucky date" to her. And 8 *is* my favorite number. She also called "boy" for me (love her positive vibes that this will work the first time - although I think it's just the fact that she is dealing with a teenage stepdaughter and has come to realize she wouldn't wish a girl on her worst enemy! LOL)

So there goes the signs again - the date and on top of that it hit me that I poured my last bit of coffee grounds into my coffee pot this morning! Could it be? Another sign? Two weeks time will tell I guess!

I hopped in my car this morning and rushed to the doctor's office. The nurse (who also happens to be someone I grew up going to church with - gotta love it) had called and asked if I could get there earlier. I told her that I could leave 15 minutes earlier, but that that was it. So off I went like Dale Jr at Talladega (there's that 8 reference again) and rushed into the office.

The first funny that happened (and you gotta admit this whole situation is a bit comical...but with serious undertones, of course) was that I ran in and the nurse had the paperwork ready for me to sign and said, "Sign right here and we'll go warm up your boys." Still makes me giggle when I think of her saying that. I got on the phone with M while in the waiting room. She and I were making sex jokes and I commented that it would be a "quickie". Then off to the actual room...duh, duh, duuuum!

Dr. C and the nurse came in, and we chatted. Then I had to verify my babydaddy, and when I saw the small vial all I could think was, "Really? That small amount. Sheesh. All the guys I've been with in the past had more than that!!!!" But you gotta thank technology because they can pull all the good swimmers out and get rid of the wimpy weak asses! Woohoo! After that I laid back and did my job....to lay there. All the while I was telling the nurse about mine and M's convo on the phone. She was laughing at me.

Dr. C got underway, and basically the three of us chatted like we were having a chat over coffee instead of a chat over me on my back with my legs spread and knees in the air. Seriously, my life could be a comedy...and it would win a fucking Oscar I tell ya! ;) The whole thing from the time Dr. C got started took maybe 5 minutes if not less (hmmph. Not much difference with a guy.) I looked up at the doctor and said, "That's it?!" (again...not much different than what you sometimes think after sex with a guy! haha) He replied, "That's it."

And, of course, me being me I *had* to be my humorous witty self and said, "So, Dr. C. was it as good for you as it was for me?!" Yes. I did. And he laughed. So did the nurse. They left the room because I basically had to sit there with my knees still up for 15 minutes. I put my Ipod on and listened to some Kenny. I figured a little Kenny (the Be As You Are C.D. if you are wondering) would be the perfect "getting knocked up" music. That CD always relaxes me, and I felt "the boys" needed a relaxing ride north. As I laid there I just smiled. Then I would laugh. Then I would smile again.

So there you go. In and out in under an hour. It's done. I got dressed, went to the mall to return something (and I won't tell you that there was an amazing clearance sale at Gymboree, so don't ask) and ventured home to lay on my couch. I did stop by T's, and when I walked into her kitchen, before I even said hey, I surprised her and C by yelling, "There is sperm in me!!!!"

Two weeks until I know. Until y'all know. What is meant to be will be. That's what I believe.

GO GO BABYDADDY!!!!

Hello K.U.?!

No. I'm not going to a Keith Urban concert. But if he's playing somewhere close and you have tickets please invite me.

Nope. Tomorrow is it. I'm venturing into the world of trying to get KU'd - Knocked Up!

And I am not even going to tell you how many freakin' ovulation sticks I've peed on!!! Okay, you twisted my arm. 23! And, honestly, that doesn't mean I'm an overachiever. It probably just means I'm a paranoid, impatient freak that doesn't follow directions. hee The nurse told me when to start taking them, but then the directions on the kit said something else. So I went with the kit directions but did it twice a day like the nurse said. (I'm a teacher...I guess I just want to use all my strategies to be successful on my "test". har har har)

So I had the 20 supply box which I ran out of yesterday because I got so freaked out I wasn't seeing a positive result that I thought I was doing it wrong. So I would do it again later. I mean all you ever hear is 14 days! 14 days! Well, that is all fine and dandy if you are a 28 day cycle girl. Oh no...not me. I'm a 30 day girl. That means I ovulate around day 16. And guess what tomorrow is?! Oh yeah baby! Day 16. I did it this morning and... nothing. So I took a damn stick to work with me (in my lunch box no less - in case I forgot) and.. BINGO! Dark pink line says "It's time!" I love that many ovulation and pregnancy kits show a pink line. To steal one of my favorite lines from another fantastic Shelby - "Pink is my signature color!" Let's hope this holds true toward the end of the month when I go to pee on that next stick!

I called my nurse and we are going to shoot for tomorrow if all works out with the doctor's schedule. Because, of course, my body *would* want to do all this on a Friday - which is always the worst day to see a doctor! So crossing my fingers and sayin' my prayers on that one. (Would you go ahead and cross your fingers and say your prayers for me too? Thanks.)

And y'all know that I'm one that is big on "signs" or "feelings". Well I have had two that make me think this is really going to work. That this is *really* going to happen. The first was when H was at my house last weekend and I was online showing her my "babydaddy." Remember how I said my first choice was unavailable. Well, wouldn't you know, there is previous choice numero uno, and his profile had changed and he was available!!! I thought about gettin' ticked but then thought, "Well. that just means the one I picked is the one I was supposed to pick." Right?

Then tonight as I stood in the door of my frig pondering dinner I got another feeling. I picked up that last yummy bottle of wine and caressed it like a long lost lover. And I swear it whispered in the softest of sounds, "Drink me." Not only that but the faint tune of "Closing Time" began to start - so softly but I swear I could hear it start. However, I put the wine down. But let's be honest... only because I knew I'd drink the whole damn thing and be hungover tomorrow when I'm getting foreign objects and sperm stuck up in me!

And the tunes of "Closing Time" (from wherever it was coming) that had started so softly at first came louder and I swear I could hear "closing time, one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer...." And with the lyrics starting to get louder and ring in my ears, and my mouth starting to water, I picked up the last bottle of icy cold Bud Light, left over from some party or other- ahh my sweet, sweet Bud - and I swear he screamed, "BITCH! YOU BETTER DRINK ME NOW! LAST CHANCE!"

I swear that's what he said. I just know it. ;)

My Fears....

I've got to say that since I have babies on the brain these days I read/research alot. And in doing that there is a lot of things that could really freak one out. But I'll have you know that my biggest fear isn't the following:

1) being pregnant - gaining weight, morning sickness, fat swollen feet, or the myriad of things a pregnant lady deals with
2) birth or the worry that you could poop right on the doctor while you are pushing!
3) the epidural
4) being a single mom

Oh no. It's none of those. My biggest fear is that my children won't be nearly as cute as my brother's kids!!! Seriously?! have y'all SEEN the recent pix of these two? They are gorgeous, and that's not just the rantings of a very proud aunt! MY BROTHER DUN GOOD!

(p.s. Okay. so I *kinda* lied. I am freaked out about an epidural and pooping on the doctor)

A Toast To Ovulation!

Recently M - in her pregnant state - made the funniest remark of "You realize what an alcoholic you are once you get pregnant and can't have it anymore!" LOL Never fear M....on your delivery day I, as your bestest buddy, will bring with me one bottle of the expensive champagne to celebrate the end of your no alcohol run - oops - I mean birth of your child. ;)

So a week or so ago I ordered four bottles of wine from this winery in St. Augustine that I like. This is some good stuff let me tell ya. Anyways, it probably wasn't one of my brightest moves seeing as I WANT to get pregnant and if everything works out those bottles are going to collect dust. With those thoughts in my head (I mean let's not let good wine collect dust) I invited two friends from work over to help me drink it - kinda like a celebration for the upcoming school year. Sometimes you just have to celebrate! My friend, A, had to back out so it was just me and H...and four bottles of wine.

Friends that know me well...you so know what's coming, don't you?! hee

Well....6 hours and 3 bottles of wine later H and I were still just running our mouths about everything. She even ventured a peek into my "no longer secret" baby stash! Ha!

3 bottles. Good grief. I mean in all reality (and if everything works in my favor) that was my LAST alcohol for the next nine months. HOLY SHIT, RIGHT?!

So again I say - why let that perfectly good wine collect dust?! We both thought not. And a VERY relaxing evening and good time ensued. Though I found out - via tipsy text messaging that *I* did not start by the way - that someone that I could be attracted to sees me as a "big sister." Damn it! No wonder he won't hit on me! Sigh. But that's another story for another day.

So everyone grab a glass and raise it in the air - here's to my impending ovulation to come in the next few days. May everything work and those 3 bottles of wine last night be the last alcohol to touch my lips for months to come!

In all seriousness....contrary to what my mother and some friends probably think...it's not the alcohol I fear giving up. It's caffiene. Oh boy. It may be a rough year for my students!

My Dirty Little Secret

And no...it's NOT that I ordered my babydaddy online. Shit. Y'all know that already.

Nope. I buy baby clothes. Hey! I only buy them on sale. (It makes me feel better to say that.) It started a few months ago when the ticking of my biological clock was so loud that buying adorable baby clothes seemed to be the only way to quiet the noise. At first it started out that I'd just buy cute things that could go either way - boy or girl. But then I crossed the line and stuck my toe in the "who cares" world. If it's a cute girl outfit - I buy it. If it's a cute boy outfit - I buy it.

And then M got pregnant recently and my thinking turned to, "Well. She's got to have a girl or a boy. So there goes half the clothes right there!" Gotta love that reasoning ability right there. However, the girl clothes tend to be in the lead. And that means M HAS to have a girl. Or I HAVE to have a girl. Or someone I know HAS. TO. HAVE. A. GIRL.

But my madness has taken on a whole new level....because I discovered baby clothes on Ebay! Oh crap is right! I'm talking Ralph Lauren, Gap, Calvin Klein, Gymboree....all at ridicously awesome prices because they are EUC (that's excellent used condition for those of you not in "the know"). Can I just tell you how much I LOVE Baby Ralph Lauren and that shit is expensive!!!! But oh no, not on Ebay!

I may need intervention.

Gulp....I ordered my babydaddy!

Yesterday was the day. I ordered my "babydaddy". I giggle everytime I think this because in all reality it IS a silly thought. But a serious one on my part, so off I go...into the world of trying to get knocked up!

You see....I'm 35 and single. And I've been single for, oh, about 12 years now since my divorce. I have always wanted to be a mom and not having a man is not going to stop me from trying. My friends and family are actually being very supportive of this idea because they too want to see me be a mom. One friend, R, actually almost made me cry on a trip a few weeks ago when she said, "S - when I think of someone having a child and being a mom I think of you." Or something to that effect...we were drinking "pink panty pull downs" at the time, so I can't remember the EXACT words! I'm praying that Mr. Wonderful *WILL* come along sometime, but until then I'm giving it a go, go, GO!

Anyways, I've given this much thought for the past year since I knew the big 35 was coming up. That was the age I gave myself that I would go for it. I actually started trying at 34 but wouldn't you know they found all kinds of things that had to be checked out and removed, blah, blah, blah.

Anyways, even though it is my decision alone I had to get some insight from my best friends and future child's honorary aunts (J, M, M and J - seriously...you'd think I'd find friends who didn't all start with the same initial!). I went to the sperm donor site and found my favorites. Of course, my two very, very, very favorites weren't available. Seriously...just my luck! So I narrowed it down to four and sent the baby pix and donor essays to my friends. Well! M (pregnant herself and ALWAYS with an opinion to share) quickly weeded out two for me. And in all reality I did agree with her thoughts (we ARE best friends for a reason). J and J weighed in their thoughts of did it really matter that much since my child is going to be witty, humorous and outgoing like it's mama? What a point! I love my friends. They are good for a girl's self-confidence. Then M's husband (and their dog it seems) gave their opinion as well. So...we were all thinking two in particular. So those two it was with me the deciding factor!

*Now I do need to say that M-2 (I guess I'll call her) didn't get to weigh in because she's at the beach. She's soooo going to have a lot of emails to catch up on when she gets home!
*My Mama didn't weigh in just because she still thinks Mr. Wonderful is going to show up before I do this (not that she won't be supportive once I do get pregnant - she's just old fashioned, bless her heart)
*and my Daddy's only suggestion (being the shorty he is) was to get a tall babydaddy!

So there I sat....reading the two profiles over and over and over. And I finally decided to go with #1. And I will tell you the main reason he won out. You'd have to get a look at my family to understand, but the family genes on my Daddy's side are quite strong. We all have blond hair and blue eyes. Seriously....you should see my brother's two kids. They are my brother made over! So with that said....donor one was a blondie with blue eyes, and donor two was a brunette with blue eyes. My child is already going to be a wee different in that I ordered his babydaddy for goodness sake...why make him/her stand out in family pix with a mop of brown hair on top of the head!

So. I ordered my babydaddy. I'm excited and nervous and scared and excited all at once! Who knows if it'll work the first go or several goes later, but we'll see in a few weeks.