Sweetness

Last night I went to see the kids since it had been awhile and I was missing them. We sat in Dylan's dark room watching some Disney movie.

Jersey sat in my lap leaned back against my chest. I had one arm wrapped around her tight. And she didn't squirm or want me to move it. She just leaned back into me as far as she could with her little hand on my arm.

I would take my other hand and rest it on Dylan's knee or rub his blond head or tap the freckles on his nose. I love that little cluster of freckles. And he didn't stop me. Or squirm away. Or tell me to stop.

and in that moment...in those moments of pure sweetness....it's all I ever want and wish for and hope for...moments like those with my own child. I'd trade a year in Key West for it!

There is a Mama in me just waiting and wanting to bust out. Just waiting. And wanting. And wondering...when?

My Summer Plans in a Nutshell...so it's a big nut?!

I still can't believe I'm going to be in Key West this summer. I actually won't believe it until I'm actually there. And I may just have to pinch myself every day that I wake up and realize...I'M IN KEY WEST

Things I’m looking forward to this summer:


-seeing a Key West sunset every night if I want to!!!!!
-sleeping in (and not being at summer school at 8 am)
- going to Irish Kevin’s and dancing to goofy musicians whenever I feel like it
- taking my daily walk ...IN KEY WEST!
- Fat Tuesday’s becoming my official “Cheers”
- do I even need to say 190’s whenever I want them!?
- seeing Pete and Wayne at Sloppy Joe’s EVERY WEEKEND if I want to
- hearing Jared say “Shalom mutha fucka” whenver I feel like it
-becoming a regular at 801 Bourbon (LOL)
- having a vacation boyfriend every night if I feel like it
-staring at Hottie Chris every day if I want to!!!!!!
- my girls visiting me in KW
- watching the sunrise in KW whenever I want to (never done that before, I don’t think…there is always a first!)
- indulging in “Healthy Habits” (our new name for happy hour) with Billy at Alonzo’s or wherever our fancy takes us
- lounging in my kiddie pool in the backyard
- having a hot male roommate (never had one of those! Hahaha)
- hanging out at and trying new places that I’ve never been to in KW
- possibly being known as the cute blond who rides around on the pink bike!
- NOT wastin’ away in Warner Robins but in Key West!
- being a true Key West local…if only for a month!!!

A few days later I thought of not just what I was looking forward to but what I actually wanted to do while there, the things I wanted to experience...

-ride my bike all over, wherever
-take pictures of everything and anything and nothing
-OOOh at sunrises
-Ahhh at sunsets
-dance every single day
-laugh every single day
-sleep in
-cook out
-learn to master a mean conch chowder and key lime pie
-swim...in the ocean or in a hotel pool that I crash
-play tennis
-scrapbook
-read
-kayak, deep sea fishing, jet skiing
-go out on a boat
-meet new, interesting, fabulous people
-enjoy every moment
-kiss a cute guy
-put the top down and just drive
-sit...and do nothing

I only hope this summer is everything I want it to be.

Mother's Day

I have a fabulous Mama. I didn't always think that at times. She was the strictest mom growing up. Or so it seemed. The one that ALWAYS hunted us down when we were doing wrong. She just knew. Knew where I was. Knew I was probably up to no good. But she was the one that taught me right from wrong. Gave me some kind of moral compass. Sure...i do a lot of things that she still doesn't like. But that's just me. I beat to my own drum, and it's not always the same song as hers. But over the years we have become...friends. My friends listen to the way we interact and are amazed. I have heard more times than I count, "I can't talk to my mom that way. We don't have those conversations." Well, that's the thing. She may not want to hear it. But she listens. She responds. Even if I don't like what she is saying. We argue. She completely gets on my last effin' nerve.We are so freakin' different. But we laugh. And we talk. That's pretty cool.

She's the mom I want to be. The one that threw the best birthday parties. To this day my birthday is my favorite holiday. I give her credit for that. She made big breakfasts on the first day of school. I remember McDonald's on Saturday mornings. She took me to softball practice. Took me to church. Showed up for school plays and parties. I know that I lot of things I do as a mom (whenver that day should come) will be from the example that she has been for 35 1/2 years. And that's pretty cool.

Today I would be 33 weeks. How crazy is that? To think I'd be walking around with this big ole belly. Only a little over a month away from being someone's...mom. It makes me sad.

I was shopping earlier this morning and for some reason was walking down the aisle where journals were. And I swear one jumped out at me...like it had a light shining on it just so I wouldn't miss it. the cover of it said..

things happen for a reason...just believe!

I picked it up and smiled. I do believe things happen for a reason. I'm getting a little impatient about what it is that is going to happen (LOL), but I still believe IT is going to happen. Then I noticed the corner of another journal sticking out from underneath one that was in the same spot of the first I had picked up. I moved the boring journal out of the way and there was another journal that said...

Sometimes, on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one.

A sign for sure. A sign of things to come...GOOD things to come. I can just feel it. I can feel it in every being of my soul.

Standing there I was overcome with the desire to fill them up with words and pictures of the wonderful things that I know are in store for me. Seriously...It's like God put those journals there just for me. So I left the store with those two journals in hand.

I'm optimistic if not anything else. :)

A Temporary Change of Plans

Change is in the air. And I thought it was time to go in a new direction with my blog, if only for a few months. Never fear - even though a dream of mine is coming true soon, my biggest dream is STILL to be...Mommy. But when life hands you an opporutnity that makes the corners of your mouth turn up, your heart beat extra hard, a tingle all the way to your toes...You've gotta go for it!

So, the decision has been made. A dream that I have had for many years is in my grasp, and I'm going to grab hold and not let go! I am going to go to Key West this summer. But for those that know me you are probably wondering what is the big deal about that?! Shit, I've already been to Key West twice this year. But wait! Let me say it again.

I'M GOING TO KEY WEST THIS SUMMER.

Not for a weekend. Not for a week. But for 34 freakin' days!!!!! And if July 6th - the scheduled day of departure - arrives and I don't feel like leaving, well, then I have 3 more weeks to bask in my Happy Place before I have to actually be back at work.

I've always wanted to go down there for the summer and just...live there! Be a local if you will. And the opportunity presented itself in March when I uttered the words to someone I've known down there for several years. And as we walked back to meet everyone at breakfast and I just absent mindedly utterted "my dream" the response I received in return was, "Really? Keep me updated. My roommate is leaving for the summer and you can rent his room."

I've told many people that my heart is in WR...where my mama is. where my daddy is. My granny. my brother. my niece and nephew. my family. But my spirit? Not so much. My spirit is in the cities that I love dearly. The places where the corners of my mouth are always upturned. Where my heart always beats fast. Where there is always a tingle all the way to my toes. Key West. Nashville. Savannah.

So, I gave it a lot of thought. And come June 2 at 4pm, Heather and I are out of here to spend every day for a month in my Happy Place.

And for that...I am happy.

And my spirit? ECSTATIC!

Step Away From the Computer

Ebay is bad.
But Ralph Lauren at $12 a pop is good.

April is Out

So it seems this month is officially out for baby making. Techincally it doesn't have to be, but it just is. Let me give the reason.

I've done this strange crazy trip 3 times with the third time being the charm (or not so much charm because of the ending). The thing that was different with the 3rd try was the trigger shot. So, that is just the way I want to go again. Why spend all that money for it not to work when the trigger shot gives (what seems to be) better odds? My high school trip and the necessary perfect timing are going to more than likely collide this month. I could chance it all working out timing wise, but do I really want to pay for the two necessary ultrasounds only to not be able to go through with the actual insemination because I'm not in town? No. I don't.

I did rethink the trigger shot and think "well let me just do it with the OPK tests and not worry about the ultrasounds". That way if it works out where the timing needed is after my trip well there you go. I could try.

Also, I've had another two friends weigh in on my summer opportunity - both with different opinions. However, right now it is 3 to 1 with the "GO.DO IT. YOU CAN'T PASS THIS UP!" being the majority thought.

Geminis...we're wishy washy.

Ebay Victory!

Yes, yours truly, came out on top in an Ebay bidding war!!! I got the baby bedding that I fell in love with about a year and a half ago only for it to be discontinued. Well, now it is mine and more importantly my future baby's! Woohoo!

What To Do?!

So, an opportunity has come up that is too good to pass up. It's actually been out there for my consideration for about 3 months. I don't want to put the details out there yet, so or now I'll just keep them in my head. But it would push the baby thoughts to further in the summer. I just don't know what to do. Part of me says, "This is THE month to try again." The other part of me says, "You can do something you've always wanted to do. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Wait til July or August to start trying for a baby again."

I just don't know. I talked to two friends tonight about it and they said, "Shelby. You can't pass this up." and I know that they are right. But I was all ready to call my doctor tomorrow to tell them that I had started and it was time to get to trying again. Now I'm just confused.

It's just two things I want very much...but I have to pick one for now. And the thing is..the baby thing CAN happen again in a few months. This opportunity can't. Ahhhhhh.

What to do?

Babies On The Brain Again

Well...the desire to try again is back. It was always there but is back in full force. I think I mentioned that my original donor is no longer available, so I had to go searching yet again. For the past few weeks I'd look but nothing. Then yesterday I found the one that I want to use. Very similar to my original (blond, blue eyed, tall, athletic, outgoing) and the cutest little picture of when he must have been about 3ish.

AND THEN, to top it all off, I went to Ebay just with a hunch to look for the baby boy bedding that I had fallen in LOOOOOVE with when all this madness began only to have it be discontinued by the time I started trying. AND THERE IT WAS!!! SOMEONE HAS LISTED IT!!! Can you say an Ebay War is going to be ON LIKE DONKEY KONG in 7 days! :)

Totally a sign, right?!

So. I've been back and forth about if and when to start trying again. Well, not so much the if but definitely the when. I've had a few good trips that have completely lifted my spirits (traveling always does that for me), but sometimes I come down off the high upon returning. Back to reality. Believe me, my reality doesn't suck. But do I truly want to spend the rest of my life just looking forward to the next trip when there are other things I want to look forward to - like being a mom, seeing that first smile, feeling those little arms hug my neck.

For the past week or two (and especially the past several days), I've been spending a lot of time in thought of what to do. And within two days, two faces have crossed my path that have totally surprised me and made me think "totally a sign!" The first was Wednesday night when I was at the David Cook concert. There sitting in the row in front of me, about 3 seats, down was D - my nurse at Dr. C's office that was so awesome in my trying to get pregnant the last time. Totally took me off guard especially since the baby making has so been on my mind. Then last night I was at my part time job and saw a couple come in. I knew I recognized the woman's face, but for the life of me I couldn't place it. Well, I realized this morning who it was! J, the midwife that I was seeing once my pregnancy started.

Isn't that crazy?! Honestly...I think it's about time to start giving it a go!

What Happened...

I started this story a few weeks ago, finished it and then hit the wrong button and lost everything I had typed. DAMN IT! So here I go again...

I went in for my 12 week appointment on December 15. 12 weeks 1 day. I didn't get mama to go this time because I had scheduled it at 4 pm so as not to have to take any time off work. I knew I'd be rushing to get up there, so I didn't want to worry about anyone else having to rush with me. And...I thought all would be well and that someone not going with me wouldn't be a big deal. How wrong was I?!(lesson learned...next time someone goes with me everytime)

I met with the midwife, and she was unable to find the heartbeat on the heart doppler thingy. She assured me not to worry, that sometimes in the early stages it is hard to find. As I think back now I wonder was she just saying that to not freak me out? She pulled in an older ultrasound machine and still had no luck. So she sends me to the high tech ultrasound lady. There was jellybean. There was jellybean's heart. There was no heartbeat. She immediately looked at me and just shook her head. Can I tell you that I was NOT expecting that?

I began to cry. The D&C was scheduled for the next day. I called Mama to let her know what had happened and that I was on my way home. I was supposed to be cooking dinner for my Daddy, so when I got home both my parents were there. That was nice.

I truly don't know how women go through miscarriage after miscarriage. It is so heartbreaking. I worried about lots of things. I had a small cup of coffee a few times that week. Did that do it? I had questioned if I was ready to do this a time
or two. Did those negative thoughts do it? I was upset because from weeks 8 - 11 I was sick and HATED IT. But during that 11th week and up until that appointment I was feeling a little bit better and getting more excited about the baby. And then it was gone.

I went for the D&C and once again humor is the way i deal. As I was lying on the operating table the doctor asked if I had any questions. I waved my hand over my coochwa area and said, "I just need you to take care of the goods. They may not have worked this time, but they have to work next time." The nurses and doctors all had a good laugh. Unlike the last time where I awoke from surgery cussing, this time I woke crying. The nurse was so sweet because she just patted me and wiped my eyes.

Today I would be 23 weeks. There is a girl at work that has a due date that is 2 days after me. It's so weird to think that THAT is what I would look like. I think I'd be bigger though.

Everyone asks when I'm going to do it again. At first, i was like no time soon. I'll wait until summer at the latest. I jumped into planning some trips (becuase travel always makes me happy). I emailed Missy and mentioned that I needed to be in Key West. She jumped on that one with me and four of us went down for New Year's Eve. We had so much fun. I'm going back in 2 weeks and then to Vegas for spring break. I also started working a part time job waitressing where I'm working on extra $ for trips, credit cards and baby making.

I am getting past the fear of the miscarriage and am really ready to try again. I'm *thinking* I want to start in April, so we will see what happens. I want to be a mom and have not given up on wanting that.My babydaddy is no longer available, so I will have to choose a new one. but I will choose one, and I will try again.