Today I was informed I really should get on the waiting lists at any daycares I might be interested in. Well, there are 2 I have in mind. So I went. And talked to the people in charge. And saw the baby rooms. And got the details on prices and the such.
And I felt like a complete dumbass the whole time. Seriously. A dumbass.
The whole idea of me there with my silly little maternity shirt and pants on asking about these things was just so foreign to me that all I could think was, "They probably think I'm a dumbass." I really did have the thought that the lady at the first place thought I was probably just playing a practical joke on her.
I know in the coming months I'm going to feel this way many times. But it was weird. Just. Plain. Weird.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I heart Chic-fil-A.
I have been M.I.A. I know. But here I am again. I'll give you the rundown as I know it.
For about 6 weeks I was absolutely fucking miserable. there is no other way to put it. FUCKING MISERABLE. There is no sugar coating it. I know it could have been worse. I never threw up. But from 11 in the morning til 11 at night, I felt like it For 5 to 6 weeks. The whole time. And it got worse as the day went on. I was so miserable I went days without checking email. (GASP!) Days without facebook. (HORRORS!) I didn't want to talk to anyone. All I wanted to do was exist from 8 to 4 and then immediatly come home and lay on my couch until I could slip into a sleep like existence, where for a few short hours I may have felt bad but I didn't know.
And on top of that, it seems that being pregnant and miserable sent me into somewhat of a depression. I had morbid thoughts. I went to two appointments, both times expecting them to tell me that I wasn't pregnant and that I was going to have another D&C. I had such morbid depressed thoughts that I won't even utter out loud those thoughts. Not to anyone. let's just leave it at they were bad.
once around 10 weeks I KNEW I had had a miscarriage, and there was no way that I was going to hold out 12 weeks with a dead baby in me.(some of those negative thoughts I was carrying around) So I called the doctor with a lie. I was bleeding. I wasn't. That was the lie. But I knew when I added that the baby was measuring small and that I had a previous miscarriage that they would give me an ultrasound. Sure enough they did....and the baby was fine.
And then after 5 weeks of an utter miserable exsistence, seasonal allergies hit. You know....when our summer (100 degrees) turns to fall (90 degrees)...And I couldn't take my prescription meds. I had to try Claritin. IT SUCKS. I had to try Benadryl. IT SUCKS. On to Zyrtec and wondering what i was going to do if that fucking didn't work!And after a week I broke down and finally let someone in on a little bit of how I was feeling and M got to be my therapist. Thank God for friends that just let you cry.
If I was asked one more time, "Are you excited?" I thought I might fucking scream. I was too sick to feel excited. I was too scared to feel excited. "NO." is all I replied. Because I couldn't explain my thoughts and feelings in my head without someone committing me. NO.NO.NO.NO.NO. I'm not excited. I'm adopting next time.
And that's how I felt until my 16 week appointment last week. The allergies had subsided. (Yeah Zyrtec!) But I went in with the same dread that there would be no heartbeat. And there was one. And I came away from that appointment feeling different. Oh, I'm still scared. But no longer feeling miserable. It's real. And I've been able to start walking again (oh, how I missed excercising...I could do nothing but lay on the couch), and i started catching up at work....And I've just been a different person this week than I have been for the last 6.
And on October 11th I find out if it's a boy or girl!!!! Mama is already calling girl. Noone else has made any predictions. I'm thinking girl. But we'll see.
As for the mundane things. I have had no real aversions to any foods. If I'm "craving" anything it is fruit (strawberries and plums are a definite favorite), italian ice and popsicles, pickles (it's a must I keep a jar in my frig at all times) and most recently Chic-Fil-A. I have had this last one two nights in a row, and I could honestly eat another right now. I have gained 11 pounds. some days I'm pooched out. Some days not so much. I wear maternity pants because I don't like the rubber band trick or the belly band thing. I'm all for comfort. And they are comfortable. I have begun telling more and more people. I'm trying to tell the people I want to tell, and then the rest can just hear it from gossip. ha!
Caffiene. I know I should give it up cold turkey. But I can't. I have had daily caffiene since junior high. I have cut back to 1/2 caf coffee and only a cup to a cup and a half. And some days I have a coke. I drank one tonight and you would have thought it came straight from heaven. (that's another craving). And if the other day is any indication...where I went without and a headache turned into a migrane taht ended with me puking...well, I won't be giving up my caffiene.
I have had a mimosa. Sue me. One of my miserable nights of existence where I knew everything was wrong and the world just sucked, I went to the grocery store and bought one of those little four packs of champagne. We all know in a non-pregnant state, I drink the whole bottle. Well, I got home pulled one out and stuck it in the freezer. I left it in a wee bit long and it got slushy. I mixed it with some OJ and voila! I sipped that Mimosa like the world would end when it did. It may have been the best damn mimosa I have ever had! Then I pushed the other 3 to the back of the cabinet where they wait warm and univiting until any special occasions arise. Like Columbus Day. Or Halloween.
So....that's just a little update from me. Sorry I've been missing. I'll try to do better now that I"m feeling better.
For about 6 weeks I was absolutely fucking miserable. there is no other way to put it. FUCKING MISERABLE. There is no sugar coating it. I know it could have been worse. I never threw up. But from 11 in the morning til 11 at night, I felt like it For 5 to 6 weeks. The whole time. And it got worse as the day went on. I was so miserable I went days without checking email. (GASP!) Days without facebook. (HORRORS!) I didn't want to talk to anyone. All I wanted to do was exist from 8 to 4 and then immediatly come home and lay on my couch until I could slip into a sleep like existence, where for a few short hours I may have felt bad but I didn't know.
And on top of that, it seems that being pregnant and miserable sent me into somewhat of a depression. I had morbid thoughts. I went to two appointments, both times expecting them to tell me that I wasn't pregnant and that I was going to have another D&C. I had such morbid depressed thoughts that I won't even utter out loud those thoughts. Not to anyone. let's just leave it at they were bad.
once around 10 weeks I KNEW I had had a miscarriage, and there was no way that I was going to hold out 12 weeks with a dead baby in me.(some of those negative thoughts I was carrying around) So I called the doctor with a lie. I was bleeding. I wasn't. That was the lie. But I knew when I added that the baby was measuring small and that I had a previous miscarriage that they would give me an ultrasound. Sure enough they did....and the baby was fine.
And then after 5 weeks of an utter miserable exsistence, seasonal allergies hit. You know....when our summer (100 degrees) turns to fall (90 degrees)...And I couldn't take my prescription meds. I had to try Claritin. IT SUCKS. I had to try Benadryl. IT SUCKS. On to Zyrtec and wondering what i was going to do if that fucking didn't work!And after a week I broke down and finally let someone in on a little bit of how I was feeling and M got to be my therapist. Thank God for friends that just let you cry.
If I was asked one more time, "Are you excited?" I thought I might fucking scream. I was too sick to feel excited. I was too scared to feel excited. "NO." is all I replied. Because I couldn't explain my thoughts and feelings in my head without someone committing me. NO.NO.NO.NO.NO. I'm not excited. I'm adopting next time.
And that's how I felt until my 16 week appointment last week. The allergies had subsided. (Yeah Zyrtec!) But I went in with the same dread that there would be no heartbeat. And there was one. And I came away from that appointment feeling different. Oh, I'm still scared. But no longer feeling miserable. It's real. And I've been able to start walking again (oh, how I missed excercising...I could do nothing but lay on the couch), and i started catching up at work....And I've just been a different person this week than I have been for the last 6.
And on October 11th I find out if it's a boy or girl!!!! Mama is already calling girl. Noone else has made any predictions. I'm thinking girl. But we'll see.
As for the mundane things. I have had no real aversions to any foods. If I'm "craving" anything it is fruit (strawberries and plums are a definite favorite), italian ice and popsicles, pickles (it's a must I keep a jar in my frig at all times) and most recently Chic-Fil-A. I have had this last one two nights in a row, and I could honestly eat another right now. I have gained 11 pounds. some days I'm pooched out. Some days not so much. I wear maternity pants because I don't like the rubber band trick or the belly band thing. I'm all for comfort. And they are comfortable. I have begun telling more and more people. I'm trying to tell the people I want to tell, and then the rest can just hear it from gossip. ha!
Caffiene. I know I should give it up cold turkey. But I can't. I have had daily caffiene since junior high. I have cut back to 1/2 caf coffee and only a cup to a cup and a half. And some days I have a coke. I drank one tonight and you would have thought it came straight from heaven. (that's another craving). And if the other day is any indication...where I went without and a headache turned into a migrane taht ended with me puking...well, I won't be giving up my caffiene.
I have had a mimosa. Sue me. One of my miserable nights of existence where I knew everything was wrong and the world just sucked, I went to the grocery store and bought one of those little four packs of champagne. We all know in a non-pregnant state, I drink the whole bottle. Well, I got home pulled one out and stuck it in the freezer. I left it in a wee bit long and it got slushy. I mixed it with some OJ and voila! I sipped that Mimosa like the world would end when it did. It may have been the best damn mimosa I have ever had! Then I pushed the other 3 to the back of the cabinet where they wait warm and univiting until any special occasions arise. Like Columbus Day. Or Halloween.
So....that's just a little update from me. Sorry I've been missing. I'll try to do better now that I"m feeling better.
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