Step Away From the Computer

Ebay is bad.
But Ralph Lauren at $12 a pop is good.

April is Out

So it seems this month is officially out for baby making. Techincally it doesn't have to be, but it just is. Let me give the reason.

I've done this strange crazy trip 3 times with the third time being the charm (or not so much charm because of the ending). The thing that was different with the 3rd try was the trigger shot. So, that is just the way I want to go again. Why spend all that money for it not to work when the trigger shot gives (what seems to be) better odds? My high school trip and the necessary perfect timing are going to more than likely collide this month. I could chance it all working out timing wise, but do I really want to pay for the two necessary ultrasounds only to not be able to go through with the actual insemination because I'm not in town? No. I don't.

I did rethink the trigger shot and think "well let me just do it with the OPK tests and not worry about the ultrasounds". That way if it works out where the timing needed is after my trip well there you go. I could try.

Also, I've had another two friends weigh in on my summer opportunity - both with different opinions. However, right now it is 3 to 1 with the "GO.DO IT. YOU CAN'T PASS THIS UP!" being the majority thought.

Geminis...we're wishy washy.

Ebay Victory!

Yes, yours truly, came out on top in an Ebay bidding war!!! I got the baby bedding that I fell in love with about a year and a half ago only for it to be discontinued. Well, now it is mine and more importantly my future baby's! Woohoo!

What To Do?!

So, an opportunity has come up that is too good to pass up. It's actually been out there for my consideration for about 3 months. I don't want to put the details out there yet, so or now I'll just keep them in my head. But it would push the baby thoughts to further in the summer. I just don't know what to do. Part of me says, "This is THE month to try again." The other part of me says, "You can do something you've always wanted to do. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Wait til July or August to start trying for a baby again."

I just don't know. I talked to two friends tonight about it and they said, "Shelby. You can't pass this up." and I know that they are right. But I was all ready to call my doctor tomorrow to tell them that I had started and it was time to get to trying again. Now I'm just confused.

It's just two things I want very much...but I have to pick one for now. And the thing is..the baby thing CAN happen again in a few months. This opportunity can't. Ahhhhhh.

What to do?

Babies On The Brain Again

Well...the desire to try again is back. It was always there but is back in full force. I think I mentioned that my original donor is no longer available, so I had to go searching yet again. For the past few weeks I'd look but nothing. Then yesterday I found the one that I want to use. Very similar to my original (blond, blue eyed, tall, athletic, outgoing) and the cutest little picture of when he must have been about 3ish.

AND THEN, to top it all off, I went to Ebay just with a hunch to look for the baby boy bedding that I had fallen in LOOOOOVE with when all this madness began only to have it be discontinued by the time I started trying. AND THERE IT WAS!!! SOMEONE HAS LISTED IT!!! Can you say an Ebay War is going to be ON LIKE DONKEY KONG in 7 days! :)

Totally a sign, right?!

So. I've been back and forth about if and when to start trying again. Well, not so much the if but definitely the when. I've had a few good trips that have completely lifted my spirits (traveling always does that for me), but sometimes I come down off the high upon returning. Back to reality. Believe me, my reality doesn't suck. But do I truly want to spend the rest of my life just looking forward to the next trip when there are other things I want to look forward to - like being a mom, seeing that first smile, feeling those little arms hug my neck.

For the past week or two (and especially the past several days), I've been spending a lot of time in thought of what to do. And within two days, two faces have crossed my path that have totally surprised me and made me think "totally a sign!" The first was Wednesday night when I was at the David Cook concert. There sitting in the row in front of me, about 3 seats, down was D - my nurse at Dr. C's office that was so awesome in my trying to get pregnant the last time. Totally took me off guard especially since the baby making has so been on my mind. Then last night I was at my part time job and saw a couple come in. I knew I recognized the woman's face, but for the life of me I couldn't place it. Well, I realized this morning who it was! J, the midwife that I was seeing once my pregnancy started.

Isn't that crazy?! Honestly...I think it's about time to start giving it a go!

What Happened...

I started this story a few weeks ago, finished it and then hit the wrong button and lost everything I had typed. DAMN IT! So here I go again...

I went in for my 12 week appointment on December 15. 12 weeks 1 day. I didn't get mama to go this time because I had scheduled it at 4 pm so as not to have to take any time off work. I knew I'd be rushing to get up there, so I didn't want to worry about anyone else having to rush with me. And...I thought all would be well and that someone not going with me wouldn't be a big deal. How wrong was I?!(lesson learned...next time someone goes with me everytime)

I met with the midwife, and she was unable to find the heartbeat on the heart doppler thingy. She assured me not to worry, that sometimes in the early stages it is hard to find. As I think back now I wonder was she just saying that to not freak me out? She pulled in an older ultrasound machine and still had no luck. So she sends me to the high tech ultrasound lady. There was jellybean. There was jellybean's heart. There was no heartbeat. She immediately looked at me and just shook her head. Can I tell you that I was NOT expecting that?

I began to cry. The D&C was scheduled for the next day. I called Mama to let her know what had happened and that I was on my way home. I was supposed to be cooking dinner for my Daddy, so when I got home both my parents were there. That was nice.

I truly don't know how women go through miscarriage after miscarriage. It is so heartbreaking. I worried about lots of things. I had a small cup of coffee a few times that week. Did that do it? I had questioned if I was ready to do this a time
or two. Did those negative thoughts do it? I was upset because from weeks 8 - 11 I was sick and HATED IT. But during that 11th week and up until that appointment I was feeling a little bit better and getting more excited about the baby. And then it was gone.

I went for the D&C and once again humor is the way i deal. As I was lying on the operating table the doctor asked if I had any questions. I waved my hand over my coochwa area and said, "I just need you to take care of the goods. They may not have worked this time, but they have to work next time." The nurses and doctors all had a good laugh. Unlike the last time where I awoke from surgery cussing, this time I woke crying. The nurse was so sweet because she just patted me and wiped my eyes.

Today I would be 23 weeks. There is a girl at work that has a due date that is 2 days after me. It's so weird to think that THAT is what I would look like. I think I'd be bigger though.

Everyone asks when I'm going to do it again. At first, i was like no time soon. I'll wait until summer at the latest. I jumped into planning some trips (becuase travel always makes me happy). I emailed Missy and mentioned that I needed to be in Key West. She jumped on that one with me and four of us went down for New Year's Eve. We had so much fun. I'm going back in 2 weeks and then to Vegas for spring break. I also started working a part time job waitressing where I'm working on extra $ for trips, credit cards and baby making.

I am getting past the fear of the miscarriage and am really ready to try again. I'm *thinking* I want to start in April, so we will see what happens. I want to be a mom and have not given up on wanting that.My babydaddy is no longer available, so I will have to choose a new one. but I will choose one, and I will try again.

Out of the mouths of babes

This morning I was at my brother's house, and my mama and I were sitting in Jersey's room. Jersey will be 3 in a few days. I was playing dollhouse with her. For about 30 seconds we ended up taking a "nap", and she said it was time to get up. I was still laying there when she kinda laid on my stomach. I said, "oof!" She looked at my belly very seriously, and the following conversation happened.

J- "you don't have a baby?"

me - "no. I don't have a baby anymore."

J- "why?"

me - "It went to heaven."

J - "Why?"

me - "Because the baby got very, very,VERY sick."

J - "Oh.... That's so sad."

Yes, it is.